My Five Ws of Reading
First off, credit where credit is due. I pilfered the idea for this post from Mark Rogers who writes the Newsonaut blog. Apparently it’s a questionnaire that has been doing the rounds across various indie blogs for a while. However, it happens to ask some interesting questions about one’s reading habits. I read a book every month or so and I supplement this by listening to a lot of audiobooks. Yes, I’m aware they’re not the same thing entirely but both offer a means to consume and digest a book. Hence I am not interested in this “popular” internet debate and won’t waste my time on it here. I advocate reading in all its variant forms. Be it sitting in an armchair and perusing a grimoire while smoking a Meerschaum, to reading an article online on your phone or PC. I’d rather that people read in some shape or form, than not at all. As Mark Twain wisely said, “The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read”. So without further ado, here are my answers to the “five Ws of Reading”.
First off, credit where credit is due. I pilfered the idea for this post from Mark Rogers who writes the Newsonaut blog. Apparently it’s a questionnaire that has been doing the rounds across various indie blogs for a while. However, it happens to ask some interesting questions about one’s reading habits. I read a book every month or so and I supplement this by listening to a lot of audiobooks. Yes, I’m aware they’re not the same thing entirely but both offer a means to consume and digest a book. Hence I am not interested in this “popular” internet debate and won’t waste my time on it here. I advocate reading in all its variant forms. Be it sitting in an armchair and perusing a grimoire while smoking a Meerschaum, to reading an article online on your phone or PC. I’d rather that people read in some shape or form, than not at all. As Mark Twain wisely said, “The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read”. So without further ado, here are my answers to the “five Ws of Reading”.
Who: An author you would love to have a “one to one” with?
There are many that immediately spring to mind. J. R. R. Tolkien, H. P. Lovecraft and M. R. James. But I have decided against them, not because they use their initials instead of their first name but because they are from a different era. I think if I could speak with an author I revere, it would be best to speak to someone contemporary, so there’s less of a historical divide. Hence, I would love to have a long and involved chat with Stephen King, especially with regard to his skill for creating and maintaining multiple characters.
What: What genre do you most gravitate to?
Horror, specifically late Victorian and Edwardian ghost stories and baroque tales. I like the duality of these era, as they have a lot of aspects of modernity such a vehicles, phones etc. Yet they also often have strong links with older times through customs and culture. These are times when there could be uncharted areas of the globe and one could be truly isolated and alone. I also like the language used by the authors of this period and their eloquence. For example why be anxious, when you can succumb to a blue funk or a phrenzy?
Where: Where do you prefer to read?
In a perfect world, I like to read in a quiet room while sitting in a firm Chesterfield wingback chair. If it’s winter, then being near to a fire adds to the ambience. I also like to have a small table nearby with suitable refreshments and nibbles. Perhaps some Madeira cake or salted nuts with a schooner of Sherry. I light well lit rooms but if it is evening and thus dark, I like a strong reading light. Sadly, I don’t live in a perfect world so I just sit on the sofa when reading, sans quality nibbles.
When: What time of day do you prefer to read?
This is an easy one. Whenever a suitable opportunity presents itself. I suppose early morning is the optimum time because my mind is at its best then. I try not to read too late at night as it can lead to me staying up into the small hours, especially if a book is particularly gripping.
Why: Why is your favourite book your favourite book?
I don’t tend not to do “favourites” per se. However, the books the mean the most to me, such as The Lord of the Rings, The Pickwick Papers and Carnacki The Ghost-finder are not just special because of their respective literary merit. My sentiment towards them also stems from the time and place that I originally read them, who recommended them to me or who may have bought me a copy. Your relationship with a book can often transcend what is just written and also be about a wider context. If you later re-read those books that are important to you, sometimes you may briefly rekindle the feelings you experienced the first time.
Bonus: How do you go about selecting what you will read next?
Recommendations from friends, colleagues and of course authors is a primary method. I also tend to alternate between non-fiction and fiction. When reading fiction I vary genres regularly so I don’t get burned out on specific material. Also within each genre, there are books that are considered classics, so that can determine what I read, as I think it is important to be conversant with the things you like. I also keep an eye on the book charts and pending new releases. Finally, I frequent a lot second hand bookshops. I am especially fond of seventies paperbacks with their lurid covers. I will sometimes buy a book on the strength of such sensationalist nonsense.
For many years, Tolkien fans only had a tantalising glimpses of the Second Age of Middle-earth via the appendices found within The Lord of the Rings. It was only after The Silmarillion was posthumously published after Tolkien’s death, that a more comprehensive narrative could be presented. While much of that book focused on the First Age of Middle-earth, it also included events surrounding the rise and fall of the island of Númenor in the Second Age. This kingdom, raised from the Great Sea and bestowed upon the Men of Middle-earth as a reward for their assistance in defeating the Dark Lord Morgoth, became a centre of power and wealth. However, as the Númenóreans' influence grew, the seeds of their destruction were inevitably sown. Over the years further publications edited by Christopher Tolkien, such as Unfinished Tales of Númenor and Middle-earth and the twelve-volume series, The History of Middle-earth have provided further historical lore.
I am a big fan of Audible as a service. Over several years I have built up a sizeable collection of audiobooks and whenever a new title is released that is of interest to me, I instantly consider do I wish to buy a physical copy of the book in question or an audio version. I consume a lot of non-fiction titles, especially science based content. I find audiobook versions of such material a lot easier to digest, mainly due to the measured pace of the narrator that gives me time to consider and mentally digest what I am listening too. If I struggle with a point, I can instantly rewind the audio back 30 seconds and listen again. Plus listening to Stephen Fry or someone else with a distinctive and charismatic voice read something is eminently superior to my own inner monologue. Hence I find audiobooks to be a medium that if both convenient and enjoyable for me. Furthermore, the various subscription tiers of Audible have proven beneficial. That is until this March when they altered these.
Last August I listened to The Battersea Poltergeist podcast by Danny Robins and was subsequently introduced to his other production Uncanny. Both are investigations into alleged supernatural events but unlike other shows of this kind, these are far better researched, produced and most importantly even handed. Danny makes a great deal of effort to try and keep a foot in each camp; team believer and team sceptic. Overall these podcast work as they genuinely appeal to multiple audiences and they are not excessively hyperbolic or credulous. A lot of this comes down to Danny’s personality which is upbeat and relatable. Perhaps his greatest strength is being a sympathetic ear to those recounting their experiences. He lightens the mood from time to time with humour when required. He also liberally litters the proceedings with pop culture references. However, he will probe and ask pointed questions but does so in a non-accusatory manner.
The zombie genre is a narrative seam that has been heavily mined in recent years. There seems to have been a never-ending supply of films, television shows and video games involving the undead over the last two decades. Which is why the notion of society being destroyed by its own citizens has somewhat lost its intellectual and horrific lustre. Hence I can understand people rolling their eyes at the mention of the novel World War Z by Max Brooks. The 2013 film adaptation starring Brad Pitt, which jettisoned most of the source text's innovations, isn’t the best advertisement for the book’s virtues. However, if you take the time to look beyond the hyperbolic title, you’ll find World War Z a work of singular intelligence which uses the zombie genre as a means to explore multiple socio-economic and political themes.
Dr Richard Shepherd is a senior forensic pathologist with over 30 years’ experience, consisting of 23,000 postmortems. His book, Unnatural Causes, explores his career and his devotion to the truth in determining how each of his cases died. Over the course of his career this includes victims of mass disasters, homicides, and those who have died in their own homes from unknown causes. Dr Shepherd’s job is to ascertain a cause of death based upon the facts and data presented. Each case is described with detail and empathy and it’s surprising how much the reader becomes immersed in the methodical approach that each postmortem entails. Furthermore, it is very satisfying to learn of Dr Shepherd’s verdict. However, far from being a technical dissertation on a succession of cases, this is a deeply personal and humane book which addresses the impact of the author’s career upon himself and his family. It is written with a surprising degree of literary flair and is profoundly thought provoking and moving.
When a book is as well known, well loved and as critically revered as Stephen King’s Salem’s Lot, it seems somewhat redundant to write yet another review of it. I doubt I can add anything significant or original to say about its virtues and merits. So I won’t attempt to do so. I’ll simply share some thoughts on the book in question and leave it at that. Firstly, I read the novel in 1981 when it was more than half a decade old. I had already seen the 1979 television mini-series, directed by Tobe Hooper, which I had enjoyed immensely. Luckily, I had an exceptionally good English teacher at school at the time, who impressed upon me the challenges involved in adapting books for TV or film. Hence, when I actually sat down to read Salem’s Lot I expected it to be distinctly different to what I had seen already. And it was. An utterly enthralling story, that absorbed me totally and scared me shitless. It left a profound mark upon me. Last month, approximately 41 years later, I read it again and enjoyed it even more.
Charles Dexter Ward is a young man from a prominent Rhode Island family with a keen interest in history. He spends much of his childhood wandering the streets of ancient Providence, drawn inexorably to its architecture, as well as it’s colourful heritage. As an adult he continues his antiquarian leanings and subsequently discovers a hitherto unknown ancestor, Joseph Curwen. One with a shadowy past which hints at the pursuit of alchemy and other arcane practises. Charles decides to uncover the truth regarding Joseph Curwen and over time his interest changes into obsession. His Father begins to worry about his son’s fixation and the family Doctor, Marinus Bicknell Willett, decides to keep an eye upon the youth’s state of mind. A series of curious events hint at a growing eldritch malevolence and Doctor Willett begins to suspect that Charles is in grave danger from a menace stretching across time.
At the Mountains of Madness is a story told from a first-person perspective by geologist William Dyer, a professor from Miskatonic University in Arkham, a fictional town in Essex County, Massachusetts USA. When a new scientific expedition to Antarctica is announced, Dyer breaks his silence and discloses hitherto unknown and closely kept secrets about his own explorations of the continent and exactly what befell his own expedition. He details how his team found the preserved remains of 14 prehistoric life forms unknown to science and outside of the existing geological and evolutionary timescale. He goes on to recount how some of the men and sled dogs are killed under mysterious circumstances. Dyer and graduate student Danforth, subsequently explored a mountain range by plane and discovered a vast, abandoned stone city, which is alien to any form of human architecture. What is the secret of this ancient ruin? Can Dyer convince subsequent explorers to stay clear of “the mountains of madness”.
Let’s not be coy about this. J. R. R. Tolkien’s The Silmarillion is not in any way a light read. It has a complex narrative, filled with staggering amounts of lore to digest. I certainly wouldn’t recommend it to anyone as their first point of entry into the Tolkien Legendarium. I think this is a book that you tackle after The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, if you are sufficiently enamoured with the threads of a wider backstory that are alluded to in both those volumes. If that is the case then brace yourself. However, despite its sprawling histories and dense genealogies, The Silmarillion is an incredibly rewarding book. There is an air of majesty surrounding the epic stories it contains and its themes about the eternal struggle between the dark and the light are timeless. Due to the immense detail that Tolkien lavishes upon the text, Middle-earth feels like a genuine living, breathing world. A world of languages, culture, geography and history. To date it has never been equalled.
First published in 1980, Unfinished Tales is a collection of stories by J. R. R. Tolkien, that spans from the Elder Days of Middle-earth to the end of the War of the Ring. For those who have read both The Silmarillion and The Lord of the Rings, this book provides additional insights and more detailed accounts of many key events of the First, Second and Third age. Such as Gandalf’s informative tale of how he came to send the Dwarves to Bag-End in search of a burglar, the appearance of the sea deity Ulmo before Tuor on the coast of Beleriand and an in depth description of the military organization of the Riders of Rohan. This collection of stories and essays by J. R. R. Tolkien were never fully completed during the author’s lifetime but were posthumously edited by his son Christopher Tolkien and present with notes, annotations and were required a detailed commentary.
“For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.”
The problems that beset the modern world are complicated and nuanced. Thus any potential solutions will be equally complex and subtle. There are no quick fixes for issues such as climate change or nuclear proliferation and anyone trying to sell you one is either a charlatan or a fool. In his book, The Demon-Haunted World, Carl Sagan strongly advocates that adopting a scientific approach to thinking is essential in a modern democracy. By this he means questioning ideas critically and requiring evidence based arguments. If something cannot be effectively measured, tested or verified we should be deeply sceptical of it. He even goes so far as to argue that it is patriotic to ask questions and that any person, institution or organisation that avoids such scrutiny should be deemed suspect. Published in 1995 Sagan’s concerns regarding the coming century have proven sadly accurate. A quarter of a century ago, he predicted the rise of misinformation, fake news and alternative facts. When information is controlled and a population lacks critical thinking it becomes "unable to distinguish between what feels good and what’s true".
In my youth I was a prodigious reader. I spent many a happy weekend visiting my local library and often spent my pocket money on books as a child. Overtime, I changed from reading fiction to non-fiction. More recently, a lot of my reading has been done online, consumed either via my office PC or tablet. That’s not to say that I don’t buy paperback or hardback books anymore. I still consider this to be the preferred experience. There is something fundamentally exciting about sitting down in a comfy chair, reading at your own pace, away from distractions. However last year I injured my left arm and I have subsequently found holding a large hardback book to be a difficult experience. So for the sake of convenience I started listening to audiobooks instead. I’ve always enjoyed them considering them a great alternative to traditional print media. What my recent foray into this format has taught me is how much the medium of the audiobook has grown.
If you wanted to find me on a Saturday afternoon during the late seventies and early eighties, then the local library was a safe bet. At one point I belonged to three including one in a neighbouring borough but Blackfen Library was my favourite. It was the nearest to our home and I was fond of the oddly austere building. Both of my parents have always been prodigious readers so going to the library quickly became a regular part of my youth. Initially, I was content to confine myself to the children’s section reading Hergé's Adventures of Tintin and the escapades of Asterix the Gaul. However, I was never really content with fiction aimed at children and especially stories about children. Hence as I grew older I expanded my horizons and strayed into the adult section. My parents didn’t interfere in my choice of books and took the attitude that if I were reading, then I wasn’t getting into trouble. My Dad would make the occasional recommendation. Usually classic science fiction by authors such as Ray Bradbury, Isaac Asimov and Arthur C. Clarke.
The gaming community (as well as many others) can be somewhat myopic at times. I'm sure many people are aware of Father Roderick and his prolific body of work. Is there a game, genre movie, TV show or some form of technology that he doesn't cover on his various podcasts and YouTube videos? Yet outside of this environment, his championing of all things "geek" still comes as a culture shock to the wider world with their somewhat entrenched attitudes towards both the “nerdy” and the religious. His 2013 book Geekpriest: Confessions of a New Media Pioneer, endeavours to address this issue. Furthermore it clearly advocates that the church should embrace all forms of new media and engage with all communities. Fandom, shared interests and hobbies are a great starting point for this.
Many of my fellow bloggers regularly posts details of what they’ve been reading of late. I must admit that although I received several books and graphic novels as Christmas presents, I’ve yet to start any of them. The bulk of my reading is done via my PC or Tablet and usually tends to be news articles, blog posts and research for my writing. The last book that I physically read was Titus Crow, Volume 3: In the Moons of Borea & Elysia by Brian Lumley and that was last November. So, I’ve decided to get back into reading in the traditional sense and as ever have allotted time in my schedule and set myself goals. As a carer I have numerous appointments to attend throughout the week with my parents. Rather than waste time on my phone perusing twitter and gawping at the internet, I shall use these periods to read.
During the eighties, I was an avid fan of the novelist Clive Barker. I consumed all his work voraciously and sought out magazine and television interviews with him whenever I could, finding the man equally as fascinating as his work. Oh, to be a twenty something horror fan during the genre renaissance of that decade. Despite the yolk of the Video Recordings Acts and the scaremongering of the tabloid press over “Video nasties”, horror fiction both in print and on the big screen was elevated to new levels due to the creativity of one British author and director. These were halcyon days for fan boys and girls.
Many people consider history (or at least books about it) to be a dry and a somewhat dull experience. If you are such a person then I cordially invite you to think again. Suetonius’ book “The Twelve Caesars” is a catalogue of degeneracy, perversions and general behaviour that would upset the vicar. It is both gripping and informative, proving that with regard to human nature, no matter how things change, they remain the same.
I recently started reading fiction again after spending half a year focused upon academic subjects and ploughing my way through numerous non-fiction books. I’ve always been a fan of the Bond franchise so decided it was time to familiarise myself with Ian Flemings’ the source material. The results so far have proven to be quite surprising and not at all as I expected. I managed to purchase the first seven novels in the series from a second hand book shop and have so far completed five of them. I also have audio book version available of the all of Fleming’s stories should I need to consume them in such a fashion.
The Land That Time Forgot is the first part of Edgar Rice Burroughs’ “Caspak” trilogy of science fantasy novels. Commencing as a wartime sea adventure, hence its original working title of The Lost U-Boat, Burroughs’ story ultimately develops into a saga with similarities to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s The Lost World and Jules Verne’s The Mysterious Island. What makes Burroughs work unique is his plot device of a biological system specific to his island, in which the slow progress of evolution manifests itself as individual metamorphosis. This biological feature is only implied in The Land That Time Forgot and explored in greater depth over the course of the next two novels, The People That Time Forgot and Out of Time’s Abyss.
Robert E. Howard’s collective literary work is often overshadowed by his most famous character, Conan the Cimmerian. As with Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes, the success of a single creation can lead to subsequent material being overlooked or discounted. This can be a dilemma for many a popular author. Fortunately we live in an age where the back catalogue of many a writer is now freely available and lesser known work is re-evaluated. The publisher Wordsworth has recently compiled a collection of Howard’s short stories that squarely fall in to this category. Like his more popular work, the anthology The Haunter of the Ring and Other Tales focuses on the supernatural, the fantastic and baroque.
Mr. Tickle was written in 1971 and if we wish to gain a greater understanding of this work, then we need to consider the political and historical landscape of the time, as so much of it is reflected in the subtleties of the text. This was the year that the UK changed its currency through decimalization. While Cambodia was ravaged by the Khmer Rouge, America opened Disney World as a shrine to capitalism and consumerism. These were turbulent times which saw the passing of old established world orders. The idea of whether the individual can have a meaningful impact upon the world during such an era is examined and stripped bare in Mr. Tickle, if one takes the time to find it.
William Hope Hodgson (November 15, 1877 – April 1918) was an English author with a penchant for baroque and arcane horror, fantasy and science fiction. His style and insight drew heavily on his own colourful experiences. The son of a Priest he ran away to sea at an early age and travelled widely. He was a keen amateur photographer and achieved some renown as a bodybuilder and escapologist. He died in World War I at the age of 40. Although moderately successful during his lifetime it was not until after his death that his work, especially his short stories, received the acclaim they deserved. This was mainly due to posthumous publication of all the material regarding one Thomas Carnacki; investigator of the supernatural.
A Lifetime of Learning
I like learning things. I always have. During my middle school years I thought I was a mediocre student and often I wouldn’t apply myself. According to an old school report this was because I was “too busy indulging in Tomfoolery”. Then I had the positive experience of meeting an exceptional teacher. Their lessons were the highlight of the week as they had an ability to make the subject matter, Classical History, utterly compelling and relevant. The teacher in question also treated us like adults and the class benefitted from only having five pupils. This really brought home to me that a lot of disinterest and underachievement in education is linked to the paucity of some teachers. One bad teacher can undermine the good work that all the others can do. Perhaps it has improved nowadays?
I like learning things. I always have. During my middle school years I thought I was a mediocre student and often I wouldn’t apply myself. According to an old school report this was because I was “too busy indulging in Tomfoolery”. Then I had the positive experience of meeting an exceptional teacher. Their lessons were the highlight of the week as they had an ability to make the subject matter, Classical History, utterly compelling and relevant. The teacher in question also treated us like adults and the class benefitted from only having five pupils. This really brought home to me that a lot of disinterest and underachievement in education is linked to the paucity of some teachers. One bad teacher can undermine the good work that all the others can do. Perhaps it has improved nowadays?
Since leaving school, over forty years ago, I have adopted the philosophy that you are presented with opportunities to learn continuously throughout life and it is incumbent upon you to make a conscious choice whether you choose to do so or not. For me, there is no shame in not knowing something. We all have gaps in our knowledge by default. Hence there is nothing wrong with saying “I don’t know” and asking for an explanation. In fact I think it should be encouraged more. However, I consider wilful ignorance to be an egregious act of self sabotage. Especially in an age where information is so freely available. I also eschew the cultural pushback of recent years against “knowledge” and “expertise” and the resentment that accompanies it. Ignorance and indifference are exalted and seen as a badge of honour.
So what do I like to know, learn about and understand? Pretty much anything. Naturally I have specific subjects and fields that hold more interest to me than others but overall I admire skills and those who have taken the time to acquire expertise in a discipline. Be it a plumber, a telecoms engineer or a heart surgeon. Furthermore, all people know things. Skills, hacks and information that they have acquired during the course of their lives. Knowledge can come from some interesting quarters sometimes. All of which raises a question that I’m frequently asked. “Why do you want to know”? Because I find a lot of things interesting. There is also a value in knowledge. It helps with practical problem solving, it makes you more employable and it offers a degree of protection from the iniquities of life. Knowledge is power, to a degree.
I read a lot. Books, magazines and online content. If I find myself waiting at a bus stop or travelling, I will fill that time by reading. If I’m listening to a podcast or perusing a website and a phrase or subject comes up that I’m not familiar with, then I’ll look it up. As well as learning in the traditional sense, I like to keep up with popular culture. Which artists are currently in vogue, what TV shows are being talked about and what are the latest internet memes. I find my granddaughters are an invaluable window into this world. Being generation alpha, they are immersed in internet culture. I have learned from them that a lot of what gains traction online has no real meaning. It is often about the fun of someone creating something and participating in it as it spreads. It’s often more about belonging rather than “we do this because [insert reason here]”. I find that a fascinating concept.
Something that comes apparent with age is that learning takes longer. Especially with complex subjects. I listen to a lot of non-fiction audiobooks because the slower pace of narrated content allows me time to absorb information. I can also rewind and listen again to difficult concepts. Philosophical subjects are becoming a struggle of late as I find some too abstract. Similarly I find a lot of theoretical physics very hard to conceptualise. I find that these subjects often take me to the limits of my understanding. I am aware that Carl Sagan argued that all ideas and concepts should be able to be explained to the wider public but I think that some subjects that exist primarily as abstractions are too hard to simplify and convey as a simple metaphor. Fortunately, I am not alone in struggling with certain fields of knowledge.
I also have an intellectual blind spot when it comes to subjects and concepts that are driven by feelings and other subjective, less tangible factors. Religion, faith and spirituality are immediate examples. I understand the principles but as I’ve never had that personal connection or anything remotely close to what can be described as a religious experience, I find these matters to be nebulous and mainly “thought experiments”. I feel similarly ambivalent towards politics that are founded on feelings rather than specific ideology or policy. I’ll even go so far as to admit to being a little sceptical about professional formal criticism, especially of the arts. Yes there is logical scope to critique such things as technique and presentation. However, aesthetics and how something makes you feel is highly subjective. Are such things knowledge?
Finally, let us address one of the biggest problems that blights our current political and social discourse. Something that learning, knowledge and intellectual rigour has difficulty addressing. The conflation of opinion with fact and personal perspective being seen as universal. There was a time when quashing a factually incorrect or spurious narrative with factually correct information would definitively draw a line under it. Sadly due to cultural change and the internet, we now find ourselves in a position where lies, factual inaccuracies and abject stupidity simply won’t back down. Criticism is seen as a personal attack. Facts and data are oppression and elitism. The reality is that you can’t reason someone out of a position that they haven’t reasoned themselves into. In such times, learning is something that should be embraced, not just out of curiosity but necessity. As Sam Kinison wisely stated “stupid never sleeps”.
When I was a child, I quickly learned never to say within earshot of my parents that I was bored. It was quickly met with a response along the lines of “an intelligent mind is never bored” or more worryingly “if you’ve got nothing to do, I’ll find you something” which meant a chore or Herculean task. Being a child of the seventies and due to my parents fundamentalist approach to declarations of boredom, I quickly discovered numerous ways to occupy myself. The default solution was a book or comic. I always liked reading as a child and had plenty of books to choose from. I also had numerous of comics as an alternative to a hefty tome. I would also draw and paint. My father use to work during the summer holidays as a design draftsman and as a result, we always had plenty of paper in our house. Then of course there were toys and such like. Hence I learned the art of keeping myself busy.
When I first started this series of posts back in 2023, they were originally intended to provide a useful overview into UK (mainly British) slang. US slang is ubiquitous globally due to the pervasive nature of American culture. Hence most people have a good grasp of its nuances. However, the proverbial door does not swing both ways. Hence most people will watch British TV dramas or read popular novels and can be quite bamboozled by some of the phrases that are used. That is what I was trying to address. However, over time this entire enterprise now reads like a some sort of Guy Ritchie film with Colin as the anti-hero. That notwithstanding, hopefully the list of slang phrases below will prove useful to know, if you ever visit the UK or tour around London. As ever I have given an example of their respective use. Feel free to ask questions if anything needs clarifying, or you wish to leave a comment with examples of you’re own national and regional slang.
As I write this post, the temperature in Greater London is 33°C (91.4°F). This has become a regular occurrence since the middle of May onwards. High temperatures are fine when you’re on holiday mainly because you’re off work and at your leisure. You don’t have to perform the usual daily task that life requires of you such as work, shop, cook, clean etc. Furthermore, if you’re on vacation you’ll probably be staying at a resort or hotel that is fully air conditioned and you’re dressed accordingly. However, if you’re still performing you’re daily routine such as commuting to work and spending time in an office that wasn’t built with such external temperatures in mind, then 33°C is frankly a pain in the ass. Oh and if you’re one of those people who always respond to discussions such as this with “well I live in Riyadh and it’s 40°C here”, please sod off. You live in a desert which is dumb to begin with. Plus this is not a commensurate comparison. Temperatures are rising in the UK. It’s always hot in Saudi Arabia.
If you visit the websites for such UK tabloid newspapers as the Daily Express or the Daily Mail you will no doubt encounter prominent stories about Megan Markle, Nigel Farage and “immigrants”. If these two august institutions are short of column inches, they’ll run a piece about how some former celebrity has had the unmitigated gall and temerity to get old. I mean WTF? How dare they do what human beings are genetically disposed to do. It’s outrageous. Similarly, head over to the Unherd website and you’ll find foam flecked tirades regarding spurious points of contention over dubious subjects. Often the topic being harangued is incredibly niche and I’ve never heard of it before or even considered it being a thing. These sort of talking points are not about informing, debating and most certainly aren’t about thinking. They exist to provoke reactions.
Before we start, let me explain to those readers outside of the UK, the significance of a Dairy Milk Freddo chocolate bar and its relevance to this post. The “Freddo” is an 18g (0.63 oz) chocolate bar, in the shape of an anthropomorphic frog. When it was re-launched by Cadbury in 1990 (it had previously been manufactured by an Australian confectionery company in the seventies), it was priced at 10p (£0.10). It remained at that price until 2005 when a 1p to 2p increase began to occur each year. By 2016 Freddos were retailing at 25p. However, the following year the price “lept” to 30p with an increase that was double its usual yearly rise. This led to public outrage across social media. Since then the price of a Freddo has waxed and waned. Tesco supermarket reduced the price back to 10p as part of their centenary celebrations. The post COVID price in 2022 hit 49p. At present, the average price of a Freddo in the UK is somewhere around 35p.
Over the last 10 years, I’ve written several blog posts about my personal working experiences and my career, such as it was. I touched upon working specifically in IT and how that industry changed over time, both technically and in the way that other people perceived it. I have also given my thoughts on the social dynamics of the modern work environment and the way we interact with our colleagues and employers. That is another area that has changed dramatically. Naturally my retirement from full time work has been written about, as it is such a radical change in one’s life. Especially if you’re the sort of person who is clearly defined by their job, which I personally was not. This time, I want to share a few thoughts I have about what I miss about “going to work” and “having a job”. I’m not sure if “miss” is the right word. Perhaps it is more a question of things being absent. Either way, there are some aspects of being employed that I use to enjoy or at least found beneficial that I now no longer experience.
UK Prime Minister, Sir Keir Starmer has resigned and intends to leave office before the parliamentary summer recess. By then Andy Burnham will more than likely be voted leader of the Labour Party and by default will become the new Prime Minister. Due to the current size of the incumbent Government’s majority, there is no pressing reason for a General Election that the UK’s right wing tabloid press is currently calling for. Whether this provides the Government with the reset they’re hoping for when Parliament reconvenes in autumn remains to be seen. With seven Prime Ministers coming and going in a decade, there are some serious questions to be asked about the current state of UK politics. However, the mechanics of contemporary politics, the decline of clearly defined ideologies and the people that seek elected office to be our leaders are only half of the problem. The other major impediment to the UK’s democracy functioning properly is the electorate.
The UK Government has formerly announced its intention to ban under-16s from using social media. This is due to increasing public pressure that “something must be done” about the perceived iniquities of many online platforms. However, as with most complex social problems of this nature, no one has any clear or practical ideas as to what that “something” is. It remains a nebulous, non-specific panacea and clearly someone else’s job to identify and implement. As ever, why choose a nuanced and multifaceted solution to a complex problem, when it is far easier and politically expedient to just “ban” something. The former requires effort and a degree of thinking. If such an approach fails it also means that those who came up with it now carry the can. The latter dumps the problem in the lap of various third parties, who can then be conveniently blamed when the ill conceived policy fails.
Every Thursday, Mrs P volunteers at a food bank that is run from a local church; Avery Hill Christian Fellowship. Today there was a shortage of staff so I agreed to help out. It proved to be an equitable arrangement as she collated the various orders and I packed the bags and took them to the respective clients. The food bank itself is organised and administered by the Trussell Trust, a UK based NGO and charity providing emergency food and support to people locked in poverty. It is open for 2 to 3 hours a week depending upon demand. During today’s session we served just six people. Some weeks its can be triple that amount. Upon closure, a member of staff from the Trussel Trust did a stock take and collated a list of what was needed. This is provided by various local church communities via parishioners donations, as well as local supermarkets who have an arrangement with the trust to provide surplus stock or good approaching the end of their sales window.
There are approximately 4000 parks and green spaces in Greater London. Bexley Borough alone has over 100. Public parks and green spaces are vital to modern cities, providing essential health, environmental and social benefits. They boost physical and mental wellbeing by reducing stress and providing a place for exercise. Furthermore they enhance urban sustainability, mitigate heat, and provide a sustainable environment for a wildlife. Parks are often a venue for social activities and events and as such are an important part of the local community. Going to the park has always been a part of my life. I live next to Old Farm Park in Sidcup and have made use of this recreational space throughout my life. I used visit with my parents in the seventies, when I was a child. Thirty years later my son, father in-law and I would fly kites there. Now I take my grandchildren to Old Farm Park as it now has a playground.
Being a 58 year old man, I welcome any undertaking which can potentially improve my health. One such thing is proactive screening and testing. The UK National Health Service has started doing a lot more of this in recent years, mainly because diagnosing a problem and treating it early is far more efficient and cost effective than retroactive action. Hence this policy and my age is why I was recently sent a NHS Bowel Cancer Test Kit via the post. This screening service takes place every two years for people aged 50 to 74 in the UK. The kit is very quick and simple to use. A sample of your stool is sent via a prepaid return envelope for testing and the entire process is free of charge. Upon receipt, the laboratory test determines whether there is any blood present in your stool, which is a potential indicator of bowel cancer. If detected, an early diagnosis greatly improves any subsequent treatment outcomes.
I like learning things. I always have. During my middle school years I thought I was a mediocre student and often I wouldn’t apply myself. According to an old school report this was because I was “too busy indulging in Tomfoolery”. Then I had the positive experience of meeting an exceptional teacher. Their lessons were the highlight of the week as they had an ability to make the subject matter, Classical History, utterly compelling and relevant. The teacher in question also treated us like adults and the class benefitted from only having five pupils. This really brought home to me that a lot of disinterest and underachievement in education is linked to the paucity of some teachers. One bad teacher can undermine the good work that all the others can do. Perhaps it has improved nowadays?
I’ve had an interest in the paranormal since I was a child. My mother always got books out of the library about ghosts and UFO phenomenon, so in some respects I was influenced by her reading habits. As a child such tales were by default interesting and any potentially scary element naturally made them more enjoyable. However, my father being an academic had taught me to question everything, so I felt fairly evenly equipped when exploring these subjects. Further to this point, over the years I have learned that humans have a very unique perspective on the world. We are hard wired to see patterns, regardless of whether they’re there or not. Our senses can also be fooled and often are. Perhaps the most important aspect of our nature that impacts upon any analysis we make into the paranormal is our penchant for creating stories. Hence unusual experiences can be subconsciously misremembered and “retconned” to form more precise narratives.
I have lived in Sidcup, in South East London, for most of my life. The first two schools that I went to were local and within 15 minutes walking distance. My Doctor’s Surgery and Dentist are only a few streets away, as is the barbershop that I’ve frequented since 1970. I now have my haircut by the son of the original barber. My point being that Sidcup has everything that residents immediately need. There’s a local hospital, good public transport networks and a broad range of shopping and restaurant facilities. It also has several parks with lakes, sport facilities and children’s play areas. It is a microcosm of the concept of suburbia with its residents commuting into Central London or out into Kent for work. People move here to raise families and end up staying. My parents lived here for 62 years.
Our household is currently trying to reduce our monthly overheads in response to the ever increasing cost of living. April is not that far away and a great many service providers will increase their rates and tariff as the new financial year begins. Then there is the ongoing effects, both direct and indirect, of inflation to consider. Although the UK inflation rate is dropping, currently sitting at 3.4% in December 2025, food inflation remains higher at 4.5%. Being based in the UK, salaries and billed services tend to be administered monthly. You get paid usually at the end of the months and bills can turn up at any point, depending upon when you started a service. Any payments coming from central government, such as state pension or other benefits, are paid every 4 weeks. This means that there are 13 payments in a year. I thought it pertinent to clarify this point as other countries, such as the USA, favour a fortnightly financial cycle. Hence as a household we work around a monthly budget.
I try not to let the failings of contemporary capitalism get to me but such a mindset is very hard to maintain. From time to time it does just piss you off and you know damn well that there’s nothing you can do about it. So to begin this tale, at the end of November, our Indesit washer/dryer gave up the ghost after a valiant twelve year lifespan. As a result of this household appliance’s stirling work, it was decided to buy another from the same manufacturer. Their website informed me that the model that had just broken was no longer being produced. However, it recommended two newer appliances that had comparable specifications and more importantly the same size. This washer/dryer had to fit into a fitted kitchen unit. To cut a long story short, a model was chosen, purchased, delivered within 48 hours and installed. The broken predecessor was subsequently taken away. The wonders of modern consumer culture!
I was in a pub last night, catching up with friends before Christmas, when I noticed on the wall something I haven’t seen in a pub for a very long time. A jukebox. In my experiences most of the pubs I go to take one of the following two approaches to background music. They either have a sound system and exclusively manage any music via personally curated playlists from behind the bar. Or they have no music at all. The Wetherspoons chain of pubs broadly follow the latter policy and actively use it as a marketing point. Quiet pubs for clientele that just want to talk can be popular. Hence finding an accessible jukebox was a blast from the past. During the late eighties and early nineties, I regularly visited my local pub and often used the jukebox there, which at the time, was operated by an ever changing store of CDs. The jukebox I encountered last night was digital.
Today is my 58th birthday. It would appear that I have existed for nearly six decades. Put another way, I am over half a century old. All of which has given me pause for thought with regard to the passage of time. A phrase that is often bandied about, but what exactly does it mean? As I understand it, the “passage of time” refers to our perception of the flow of time and how we experience its movement. This is something distinct and different from objective time as measured by clocks. Our subjective experience of time can vary due to multiple factors. Two common examples are how time can feel like it's flying by when we're having fun and enjoying something or dragging its feet when you’re enduring something dull. Other factors are whether we are applying ourselves to a task, concentrating and general activity. Such focus can make time pass quickly.
When Mrs P and I moved into our current home, over twenty years ago, we were both working full time. As the garden was poorly maintained and neither of us had any horticultural skills, we decided to employ a gardener. At the time it was a practical solution to the issue of garden maintenance and remains so today. Hence it is a service we continue to use, although our personal health is now the main reason we pay a gardener.
In July the UK Government introduced the Online Safety Act which requires age checks for accessing sexually explicit content online. As a result of this, Pornhub, the 19th most visited site on the internet, has reported a 77% decline in UK traffic. Furthermore, according to the UK regulatory body, OFCOM (The Office of Communications), overall visits to pornographic websites from the UK have fallen by 33%. Naturally, those who championed this legislation are claiming a moral and political victory. However, once you consider what these facts actually mean, they paint a somewhat different and potentially more worrying picture. It would be staggeringly naïve to think that UK visitors to Pornhub have ceased visiting such sites due to the age verification requirements. The more likely explanation is that UK porn consumers are now using VPNs to circumnavigate these restrictions and that this traffic to Pornhub is now recorded as coming from elsewhere.
Formal education in the UK is a structured process, starting at early years learning and continuing through to higher education at university. Some aspects of the educational system are mandatory, whereas others are optional. At present, children in the UK must start full-time education from the age of 5 and remain until the age of 16. After this age, they are no longer required to attend school per se but must remain in some other form of education or training, such as a vocational college or an apprenticeship. Many students remain at school until 18, as there are specific exams to be obtained that are required for a subsequent university placement. Here is a breakdown of the current process as it exists in the UK.
I don’t know if you have noticed that there are quite a lot of companies that have names taken from Tolkien’s Legendarium. At first glance, this seems innocuous enough. Tolkien’s writings grew in popularity over the seventies and eighties but since the release of the film trilogy at the start of the twenty-first century, his work has become more well known and been assimilated into our wider pop culture. Hence, it seems quite logical that a startup tech company, for example, would choose a name from his writings. No doubt the founders grew up reading The Lord of the Rings and are fans. That all seems plausible. However if you take a further look, it gets somewhat more complex. Here are four companies that have Tolkien based names.
Last Wednesday, I woke up with what I thought to be a crick in my neck on the left hand side. I assumed this was simply due to sleeping awkwardly and so I self medicated with some non-prescription pain relief and judicious use of a heat pad. Unfortunately, the problem has persisted and in the last 24 hours it has become much worse. I awoke this morning at about 5:00 AM and as I sat up in bed, an intense pain ran up the left side of my neck and behind my ear. It took several attempts for me to get out of bed because if I turned my head in either direction or inclined my chin, the pain would again run up the side of my neck. Sitting down, getting up and raising my arms caused similar results. While dressing, I attempted to pull a t-shirt over my head. The pain in my neck on this occasion was so severe that I yelled out loud and nearly blacked out.
I am a non-driver. If you wish to know the specifics of how this situation came about, feel free to read the post I wrote about it back in early 2018. To be succinct, I don’t drive, I’ve never learned how and have never owned a car. I don’t feel that I’ve missed out. In fact I feel quite the opposite. I think I’ve dodged a major hassle and expense in life. Mrs P, my significant other, is the designated driver of our household. She owns a car, insures it and maintains it. She also mainly pays for the petrol, whereas I pick up the tab for other things such as lunch or hotels when we travel. All I have to do is make like Iggy Pop if we go anywhere. The most I am ever called upon to do is navigate using Google maps and Android Auto. Fortunately, Mrs P enjoys driving. Always has done. Hence I look upon this situation as an extremely fortunate and equitable arrangement.
I am getting old. I shall be 58 in December. Now, as soon as you say something like that these days, some folk will get uncomfortable and say things like “age is relative” or “you’re as old as you feel”. Well I don’t measure my age in geological terms, so it’s not relative and I’m not feeling anyone especially young at the moment, so both schools or thoughts can sod off. I am getting old by the yardstick we measure human life by, namely years. I have specific, age related health issues and I just don’t feel as energised as I did a decade ago. There are minor signs, such as deciding to go to bed earlier and taking longer to get dressed after taking a shower. I’m not at death’s door but I am slowing up physically. It would also appear that my reactions are also slowing down as I tend to get massacred in any FPS I play these days. So far, my mental faculties seem to be holding up. However, that is the one thing I worry about the most. The potential loss of cognitive abilities scares the shit out of me.
Foots Cray Reuse and Recycling Centre is the fancy name of our local dump. A few decades ago, this was no more than a scrap yard. The rubbish and bric-a-brac left by the public was sorted and scavenged for resaleable scrap. Everything that was left was subsequently sent to landfill or incineration. Much has changed. Today it is the embodiment of the modern recycling ethos. The recycling centre is a well managed, carefully segregated site providing safe disposal of a wide variety of household and garden waste. Wood, metal and hardcore are recycled and there is similar provision for a multitude of electrical goods. Plastics, oils, paint, batteries can be safely disposed of. I have yet to find a home item that they do not have provision to dispose of. The Foots Cray Reuse and Recycling Centre has won awards for the service it provides and is considered one of the best facilities of its kind in the South East of the country.
One of the things I enjoy most about having my own blog is the fact I can write about the mundane and the trivial. Mainly because so much of life falls into this category. Life defining events are all fine and dandy and certainly lend themselves to philosophical musings that make fine blog posts. However, you can get just as much mileage out of those everyday things in life with less gravitas, that we all do. Such as buying new clothes, taking out the recycling and going to buy groceries. I have written about all of these in the past. However, today I wish to broach a subject that both fascinates me but also raises my blood pressure. I believe it to be a social marker and a clear indication of an individual’s personal psychology. Yes, I’m talking about packing your groceries at the supermarket and the various rituals and social etiquette associated with it.
“Managed decline” is a phrase that refers to the processes associated with the end of a specific lifecycle, with the goal of minimizing costs or other forms of loss. The concept originated in business where it referred to the management of companies and industries. More recently it is used in wider contexts. The concept gained prominence with regard to urban policy, particularly in the UK during the eighties when several major cities suffered economic and political collapse. Of late, the term has been applied to the UK, encompassing a systematic weakening of the economy, social structures, and cultural values, as well as its global political and diplomatic force. In each case, managed decline involves making strategic choices about resource allocation and accepting the consequences of those decisions. It is a complex issue with ethical and practical considerations, often sparking debate about the best way to address decline and reverse the process.
It’s been five years since the COVID-19 global pandemic. At the time it was an utterly alien and tumultuous experience. However, due to the way numerous institutions responded (but not the government), many people thought there would be a great deal of social and political change in the UK afterwards. The pandemic highlighted the impotence of the NHS, as well as those who work in jobs designated as essential. It also shone a spotlight on many of the country’s inequalities. Due to our national character, a real sense of community emerged. Something that had been absent for a very long time. Briefly, we got a glimpse of what the UK could be when we all broadly worked together. There was a sense that now was the time to change the status quo. Sadly, nothing changed. As soon as the vaccination program was launched, the UK quickly slipped back into the mire it’s been wallowing in since the end of WWII.
Prior to writing this post, I clocked a picture on a news website of the now disgraced TV presenter (and nonce) Gregg Wallace. I noticed that he doesn’t smile as such but tends to “gurn” instead. So does UK politician (and cunt) Nigel Farage. He always has his mouth open and his face contorted in some curious rictus, in most of the pictures you see of him. Mind you, I also don’t photograph especially well and any pictures of me smiling tend to look sinister or with a heavy hint of irony. The bottom line is not everyone is good at smiling. It doesn’t come naturally to all of us. This can be a problem at times or in social situations, because smiling is an integral part of our culture. On many occasions, I’ve been walking along, my face in a state of natural repose, only to be harangued by some twat shouting “cheer up, it may never happen”. A phrase I haven’t quite fathomed out, even to this day.
Libraries
If you wanted to find me on a Saturday afternoon during the late seventies and early eighties, then the local library was a safe bet. At one point I belonged to three including one in a neighbouring borough but Blackfen Library was my favourite. It was the nearest to our home and I was fond of the oddly austere building. Both of my parents have always been prodigious readers so going to the library quickly became a regular part of my youth. Initially, I was content to confine myself to the children’s section reading Hergé's Adventures of Tintin and the escapades of Asterix the Gaul. However, I was never really content with fiction aimed at children and especially stories about children. Hence as I grew older I expanded my horizons and strayed into the adult section. My parents didn’t interfere in my choice of books and took the attitude that if I were reading, then I wasn’t getting into trouble. My Dad would make the occasional recommendation. Usually classic science fiction by authors such as Ray Bradbury, Isaac Asimov and Arthur C. Clarke.
Blackfen Library prior to it’s relocation in 2004
If you wanted to find me on a Saturday afternoon during the late seventies and early eighties, then the local library was a safe bet. At one point I belonged to three including one in a neighbouring borough but Blackfen Library was my favourite. It was the nearest to our home and I was fond of the oddly austere building. Both of my parents have always been prodigious readers so going to the library quickly became a regular part of my youth. Initially, I was content to confine myself to the children’s section reading Hergé's Adventures of Tintin and the escapades of Asterix the Gaul. However, I was never really content with fiction aimed at children and especially stories about children. Hence as I grew older I expanded my horizons and strayed into the adult section. My parents didn’t interfere in my choice of books and took the attitude that if I were reading, then I wasn’t getting into trouble. My Dad would make the occasional recommendation. Usually classic science fiction by authors such as Ray Bradbury, Isaac Asimov and Arthur C. Clarke.
Despite it’s somewhat foreboding appearance, Blackfen Library was always warm and tranquil inside. The library ticket system was uncomplicated. Your ticket was a small cardboard pocket. Each book had a physical ticket associated with it which was filed along with your ticket when you borrowed it. Inside the cover of each book was a “date due” sheet which was stamped by the librarian with the return date. I believe you could keep your books for up to three weeks and borrow a maximum of six. As this was the seventies, the books were filed and organized using the Dewey Decimal System. I quickly learned to use this so I didn’t have to rely on the librarians to assist me. Choosing my books was always an exciting process. Sometimes I’d know in advance what I wanted and I’d race in between the heavy wooden bookshelves to the required section to see if my prize awaited. Other times I’d peruse the shelves in a leisurely fashion, reading the plot synopsis on the dust covers. They say not to judge a book by its cover but when you’re 10 years old, a glossy illustration by Chris Foss or Frank Frazetta was a major selling point.
Classic science fiction with Chris Foss artwork
Due to my parents and my local library, I still have a deep and abiding love for books and reading. One of my favourite excursions (pre-lockdown) is to travel to Rochester in Kent and lose myself in Baggins Book Bazaar, the biggest second hand bookshop in the UK. It has many similarities with a library and is a haven of tranquility in an otherwise noisy and frenetic world. Sadly, the original Blackfen Library in Cedar Avenue has now closed and the building was demolished and the land sold to a property development company in 2004. There’s a block of flats on the site now. The library has relocated to new premises in Blackfen Road. It has diversified and modernised in an attempt to stay relevant. It now has internet access and PCs that you can use. The premises also offer several meeting rooms and run numerous clubs and activities. It’s now a bustling and dynamic place. It’s all a far cry from the black and white tiled floors and quiet atmosphere of the former site.
As you may discern, I believe passionately in libraries and making books, knowledge and learning accessible to all. The ability to read is not only a great leisure activity and escape from the rigours of life but it’s also an opportunity for self improvement and to expand one's horizons. Which is why I greatly resent and deplore the closure of over 800 public libraries that have happened since 2010 in the UK. A recent survey from the Chartered Institute of Public Finance and Accountancy (Cipfa) has found that there are 3,583 public libraries open at present. 35 fewer than last year and 773 fewer than in 2010. The closure of nearly a fifth of the UK’s libraries is a result of a decline in spending by 29.6% over the past decade. The reduced funding is due to the UK government cutting spending on all public services after the banking crash of 2008. The debate continues as to whether this was necessary or driven by political ideology. I believe author and comedian Alexei Syale may have some insight when he said “austerity is the idea that the 2008 financial crash was caused by Wolverhampton having too many libraries”.
Blackfen Library as of 2020
I am a child of the seventies and although I won’t universally extol the merits of that decade, it did have some good points from a child’s perspective. Blackfen Library introduced me to the joys of H. G. Wells, Arthur Conan Doyle, Agatha Christie, J. R. R. Tolkien and many other classic authors. It also taught me that silence is not to be feared but something to be savoured when appropriate. Like most adults, as I’ve got older I find that I don’t read as much as I used to, although I still manage a book each month or so. Reading for me now centres on blogs and other online news outlets. But I still enjoy finding a quiet corner and losing myself in a good book. And I still visit my local library (which have now reopened) although now it tends to be more when they hold events. But it is important that we as a society fight any further closures and continue to foster in our children the importance and pleasure of reading. Although I suspect this will be more of an uphill struggle in the current political climate.
When I was a child, I quickly learned never to say within earshot of my parents that I was bored. It was quickly met with a response along the lines of “an intelligent mind is never bored” or more worryingly “if you’ve got nothing to do, I’ll find you something” which meant a chore or Herculean task. Being a child of the seventies and due to my parents fundamentalist approach to declarations of boredom, I quickly discovered numerous ways to occupy myself. The default solution was a book or comic. I always liked reading as a child and had plenty of books to choose from. I also had numerous of comics as an alternative to a hefty tome. I would also draw and paint. My father use to work during the summer holidays as a design draftsman and as a result, we always had plenty of paper in our house. Then of course there were toys and such like. Hence I learned the art of keeping myself busy.
When I first started this series of posts back in 2023, they were originally intended to provide a useful overview into UK (mainly British) slang. US slang is ubiquitous globally due to the pervasive nature of American culture. Hence most people have a good grasp of its nuances. However, the proverbial door does not swing both ways. Hence most people will watch British TV dramas or read popular novels and can be quite bamboozled by some of the phrases that are used. That is what I was trying to address. However, over time this entire enterprise now reads like a some sort of Guy Ritchie film with Colin as the anti-hero. That notwithstanding, hopefully the list of slang phrases below will prove useful to know, if you ever visit the UK or tour around London. As ever I have given an example of their respective use. Feel free to ask questions if anything needs clarifying, or you wish to leave a comment with examples of you’re own national and regional slang.
As I write this post, the temperature in Greater London is 33°C (91.4°F). This has become a regular occurrence since the middle of May onwards. High temperatures are fine when you’re on holiday mainly because you’re off work and at your leisure. You don’t have to perform the usual daily task that life requires of you such as work, shop, cook, clean etc. Furthermore, if you’re on vacation you’ll probably be staying at a resort or hotel that is fully air conditioned and you’re dressed accordingly. However, if you’re still performing you’re daily routine such as commuting to work and spending time in an office that wasn’t built with such external temperatures in mind, then 33°C is frankly a pain in the ass. Oh and if you’re one of those people who always respond to discussions such as this with “well I live in Riyadh and it’s 40°C here”, please sod off. You live in a desert which is dumb to begin with. Plus this is not a commensurate comparison. Temperatures are rising in the UK. It’s always hot in Saudi Arabia.
If you visit the websites for such UK tabloid newspapers as the Daily Express or the Daily Mail you will no doubt encounter prominent stories about Megan Markle, Nigel Farage and “immigrants”. If these two august institutions are short of column inches, they’ll run a piece about how some former celebrity has had the unmitigated gall and temerity to get old. I mean WTF? How dare they do what human beings are genetically disposed to do. It’s outrageous. Similarly, head over to the Unherd website and you’ll find foam flecked tirades regarding spurious points of contention over dubious subjects. Often the topic being harangued is incredibly niche and I’ve never heard of it before or even considered it being a thing. These sort of talking points are not about informing, debating and most certainly aren’t about thinking. They exist to provoke reactions.
Before we start, let me explain to those readers outside of the UK, the significance of a Dairy Milk Freddo chocolate bar and its relevance to this post. The “Freddo” is an 18g (0.63 oz) chocolate bar, in the shape of an anthropomorphic frog. When it was re-launched by Cadbury in 1990 (it had previously been manufactured by an Australian confectionery company in the seventies), it was priced at 10p (£0.10). It remained at that price until 2005 when a 1p to 2p increase began to occur each year. By 2016 Freddos were retailing at 25p. However, the following year the price “lept” to 30p with an increase that was double its usual yearly rise. This led to public outrage across social media. Since then the price of a Freddo has waxed and waned. Tesco supermarket reduced the price back to 10p as part of their centenary celebrations. The post COVID price in 2022 hit 49p. At present, the average price of a Freddo in the UK is somewhere around 35p.
Over the last 10 years, I’ve written several blog posts about my personal working experiences and my career, such as it was. I touched upon working specifically in IT and how that industry changed over time, both technically and in the way that other people perceived it. I have also given my thoughts on the social dynamics of the modern work environment and the way we interact with our colleagues and employers. That is another area that has changed dramatically. Naturally my retirement from full time work has been written about, as it is such a radical change in one’s life. Especially if you’re the sort of person who is clearly defined by their job, which I personally was not. This time, I want to share a few thoughts I have about what I miss about “going to work” and “having a job”. I’m not sure if “miss” is the right word. Perhaps it is more a question of things being absent. Either way, there are some aspects of being employed that I use to enjoy or at least found beneficial that I now no longer experience.
UK Prime Minister, Sir Keir Starmer has resigned and intends to leave office before the parliamentary summer recess. By then Andy Burnham will more than likely be voted leader of the Labour Party and by default will become the new Prime Minister. Due to the current size of the incumbent Government’s majority, there is no pressing reason for a General Election that the UK’s right wing tabloid press is currently calling for. Whether this provides the Government with the reset they’re hoping for when Parliament reconvenes in autumn remains to be seen. With seven Prime Ministers coming and going in a decade, there are some serious questions to be asked about the current state of UK politics. However, the mechanics of contemporary politics, the decline of clearly defined ideologies and the people that seek elected office to be our leaders are only half of the problem. The other major impediment to the UK’s democracy functioning properly is the electorate.
The UK Government has formerly announced its intention to ban under-16s from using social media. This is due to increasing public pressure that “something must be done” about the perceived iniquities of many online platforms. However, as with most complex social problems of this nature, no one has any clear or practical ideas as to what that “something” is. It remains a nebulous, non-specific panacea and clearly someone else’s job to identify and implement. As ever, why choose a nuanced and multifaceted solution to a complex problem, when it is far easier and politically expedient to just “ban” something. The former requires effort and a degree of thinking. If such an approach fails it also means that those who came up with it now carry the can. The latter dumps the problem in the lap of various third parties, who can then be conveniently blamed when the ill conceived policy fails.
Every Thursday, Mrs P volunteers at a food bank that is run from a local church; Avery Hill Christian Fellowship. Today there was a shortage of staff so I agreed to help out. It proved to be an equitable arrangement as she collated the various orders and I packed the bags and took them to the respective clients. The food bank itself is organised and administered by the Trussell Trust, a UK based NGO and charity providing emergency food and support to people locked in poverty. It is open for 2 to 3 hours a week depending upon demand. During today’s session we served just six people. Some weeks its can be triple that amount. Upon closure, a member of staff from the Trussel Trust did a stock take and collated a list of what was needed. This is provided by various local church communities via parishioners donations, as well as local supermarkets who have an arrangement with the trust to provide surplus stock or good approaching the end of their sales window.
There are approximately 4000 parks and green spaces in Greater London. Bexley Borough alone has over 100. Public parks and green spaces are vital to modern cities, providing essential health, environmental and social benefits. They boost physical and mental wellbeing by reducing stress and providing a place for exercise. Furthermore they enhance urban sustainability, mitigate heat, and provide a sustainable environment for a wildlife. Parks are often a venue for social activities and events and as such are an important part of the local community. Going to the park has always been a part of my life. I live next to Old Farm Park in Sidcup and have made use of this recreational space throughout my life. I used visit with my parents in the seventies, when I was a child. Thirty years later my son, father in-law and I would fly kites there. Now I take my grandchildren to Old Farm Park as it now has a playground.
Being a 58 year old man, I welcome any undertaking which can potentially improve my health. One such thing is proactive screening and testing. The UK National Health Service has started doing a lot more of this in recent years, mainly because diagnosing a problem and treating it early is far more efficient and cost effective than retroactive action. Hence this policy and my age is why I was recently sent a NHS Bowel Cancer Test Kit via the post. This screening service takes place every two years for people aged 50 to 74 in the UK. The kit is very quick and simple to use. A sample of your stool is sent via a prepaid return envelope for testing and the entire process is free of charge. Upon receipt, the laboratory test determines whether there is any blood present in your stool, which is a potential indicator of bowel cancer. If detected, an early diagnosis greatly improves any subsequent treatment outcomes.
I like learning things. I always have. During my middle school years I thought I was a mediocre student and often I wouldn’t apply myself. According to an old school report this was because I was “too busy indulging in Tomfoolery”. Then I had the positive experience of meeting an exceptional teacher. Their lessons were the highlight of the week as they had an ability to make the subject matter, Classical History, utterly compelling and relevant. The teacher in question also treated us like adults and the class benefitted from only having five pupils. This really brought home to me that a lot of disinterest and underachievement in education is linked to the paucity of some teachers. One bad teacher can undermine the good work that all the others can do. Perhaps it has improved nowadays?
I’ve had an interest in the paranormal since I was a child. My mother always got books out of the library about ghosts and UFO phenomenon, so in some respects I was influenced by her reading habits. As a child such tales were by default interesting and any potentially scary element naturally made them more enjoyable. However, my father being an academic had taught me to question everything, so I felt fairly evenly equipped when exploring these subjects. Further to this point, over the years I have learned that humans have a very unique perspective on the world. We are hard wired to see patterns, regardless of whether they’re there or not. Our senses can also be fooled and often are. Perhaps the most important aspect of our nature that impacts upon any analysis we make into the paranormal is our penchant for creating stories. Hence unusual experiences can be subconsciously misremembered and “retconned” to form more precise narratives.
I have lived in Sidcup, in South East London, for most of my life. The first two schools that I went to were local and within 15 minutes walking distance. My Doctor’s Surgery and Dentist are only a few streets away, as is the barbershop that I’ve frequented since 1970. I now have my haircut by the son of the original barber. My point being that Sidcup has everything that residents immediately need. There’s a local hospital, good public transport networks and a broad range of shopping and restaurant facilities. It also has several parks with lakes, sport facilities and children’s play areas. It is a microcosm of the concept of suburbia with its residents commuting into Central London or out into Kent for work. People move here to raise families and end up staying. My parents lived here for 62 years.
Our household is currently trying to reduce our monthly overheads in response to the ever increasing cost of living. April is not that far away and a great many service providers will increase their rates and tariff as the new financial year begins. Then there is the ongoing effects, both direct and indirect, of inflation to consider. Although the UK inflation rate is dropping, currently sitting at 3.4% in December 2025, food inflation remains higher at 4.5%. Being based in the UK, salaries and billed services tend to be administered monthly. You get paid usually at the end of the months and bills can turn up at any point, depending upon when you started a service. Any payments coming from central government, such as state pension or other benefits, are paid every 4 weeks. This means that there are 13 payments in a year. I thought it pertinent to clarify this point as other countries, such as the USA, favour a fortnightly financial cycle. Hence as a household we work around a monthly budget.
I try not to let the failings of contemporary capitalism get to me but such a mindset is very hard to maintain. From time to time it does just piss you off and you know damn well that there’s nothing you can do about it. So to begin this tale, at the end of November, our Indesit washer/dryer gave up the ghost after a valiant twelve year lifespan. As a result of this household appliance’s stirling work, it was decided to buy another from the same manufacturer. Their website informed me that the model that had just broken was no longer being produced. However, it recommended two newer appliances that had comparable specifications and more importantly the same size. This washer/dryer had to fit into a fitted kitchen unit. To cut a long story short, a model was chosen, purchased, delivered within 48 hours and installed. The broken predecessor was subsequently taken away. The wonders of modern consumer culture!
I was in a pub last night, catching up with friends before Christmas, when I noticed on the wall something I haven’t seen in a pub for a very long time. A jukebox. In my experiences most of the pubs I go to take one of the following two approaches to background music. They either have a sound system and exclusively manage any music via personally curated playlists from behind the bar. Or they have no music at all. The Wetherspoons chain of pubs broadly follow the latter policy and actively use it as a marketing point. Quiet pubs for clientele that just want to talk can be popular. Hence finding an accessible jukebox was a blast from the past. During the late eighties and early nineties, I regularly visited my local pub and often used the jukebox there, which at the time, was operated by an ever changing store of CDs. The jukebox I encountered last night was digital.
Today is my 58th birthday. It would appear that I have existed for nearly six decades. Put another way, I am over half a century old. All of which has given me pause for thought with regard to the passage of time. A phrase that is often bandied about, but what exactly does it mean? As I understand it, the “passage of time” refers to our perception of the flow of time and how we experience its movement. This is something distinct and different from objective time as measured by clocks. Our subjective experience of time can vary due to multiple factors. Two common examples are how time can feel like it's flying by when we're having fun and enjoying something or dragging its feet when you’re enduring something dull. Other factors are whether we are applying ourselves to a task, concentrating and general activity. Such focus can make time pass quickly.
When Mrs P and I moved into our current home, over twenty years ago, we were both working full time. As the garden was poorly maintained and neither of us had any horticultural skills, we decided to employ a gardener. At the time it was a practical solution to the issue of garden maintenance and remains so today. Hence it is a service we continue to use, although our personal health is now the main reason we pay a gardener.
In July the UK Government introduced the Online Safety Act which requires age checks for accessing sexually explicit content online. As a result of this, Pornhub, the 19th most visited site on the internet, has reported a 77% decline in UK traffic. Furthermore, according to the UK regulatory body, OFCOM (The Office of Communications), overall visits to pornographic websites from the UK have fallen by 33%. Naturally, those who championed this legislation are claiming a moral and political victory. However, once you consider what these facts actually mean, they paint a somewhat different and potentially more worrying picture. It would be staggeringly naïve to think that UK visitors to Pornhub have ceased visiting such sites due to the age verification requirements. The more likely explanation is that UK porn consumers are now using VPNs to circumnavigate these restrictions and that this traffic to Pornhub is now recorded as coming from elsewhere.
Formal education in the UK is a structured process, starting at early years learning and continuing through to higher education at university. Some aspects of the educational system are mandatory, whereas others are optional. At present, children in the UK must start full-time education from the age of 5 and remain until the age of 16. After this age, they are no longer required to attend school per se but must remain in some other form of education or training, such as a vocational college or an apprenticeship. Many students remain at school until 18, as there are specific exams to be obtained that are required for a subsequent university placement. Here is a breakdown of the current process as it exists in the UK.
I don’t know if you have noticed that there are quite a lot of companies that have names taken from Tolkien’s Legendarium. At first glance, this seems innocuous enough. Tolkien’s writings grew in popularity over the seventies and eighties but since the release of the film trilogy at the start of the twenty-first century, his work has become more well known and been assimilated into our wider pop culture. Hence, it seems quite logical that a startup tech company, for example, would choose a name from his writings. No doubt the founders grew up reading The Lord of the Rings and are fans. That all seems plausible. However if you take a further look, it gets somewhat more complex. Here are four companies that have Tolkien based names.
Last Wednesday, I woke up with what I thought to be a crick in my neck on the left hand side. I assumed this was simply due to sleeping awkwardly and so I self medicated with some non-prescription pain relief and judicious use of a heat pad. Unfortunately, the problem has persisted and in the last 24 hours it has become much worse. I awoke this morning at about 5:00 AM and as I sat up in bed, an intense pain ran up the left side of my neck and behind my ear. It took several attempts for me to get out of bed because if I turned my head in either direction or inclined my chin, the pain would again run up the side of my neck. Sitting down, getting up and raising my arms caused similar results. While dressing, I attempted to pull a t-shirt over my head. The pain in my neck on this occasion was so severe that I yelled out loud and nearly blacked out.
I am a non-driver. If you wish to know the specifics of how this situation came about, feel free to read the post I wrote about it back in early 2018. To be succinct, I don’t drive, I’ve never learned how and have never owned a car. I don’t feel that I’ve missed out. In fact I feel quite the opposite. I think I’ve dodged a major hassle and expense in life. Mrs P, my significant other, is the designated driver of our household. She owns a car, insures it and maintains it. She also mainly pays for the petrol, whereas I pick up the tab for other things such as lunch or hotels when we travel. All I have to do is make like Iggy Pop if we go anywhere. The most I am ever called upon to do is navigate using Google maps and Android Auto. Fortunately, Mrs P enjoys driving. Always has done. Hence I look upon this situation as an extremely fortunate and equitable arrangement.
I am getting old. I shall be 58 in December. Now, as soon as you say something like that these days, some folk will get uncomfortable and say things like “age is relative” or “you’re as old as you feel”. Well I don’t measure my age in geological terms, so it’s not relative and I’m not feeling anyone especially young at the moment, so both schools or thoughts can sod off. I am getting old by the yardstick we measure human life by, namely years. I have specific, age related health issues and I just don’t feel as energised as I did a decade ago. There are minor signs, such as deciding to go to bed earlier and taking longer to get dressed after taking a shower. I’m not at death’s door but I am slowing up physically. It would also appear that my reactions are also slowing down as I tend to get massacred in any FPS I play these days. So far, my mental faculties seem to be holding up. However, that is the one thing I worry about the most. The potential loss of cognitive abilities scares the shit out of me.
Foots Cray Reuse and Recycling Centre is the fancy name of our local dump. A few decades ago, this was no more than a scrap yard. The rubbish and bric-a-brac left by the public was sorted and scavenged for resaleable scrap. Everything that was left was subsequently sent to landfill or incineration. Much has changed. Today it is the embodiment of the modern recycling ethos. The recycling centre is a well managed, carefully segregated site providing safe disposal of a wide variety of household and garden waste. Wood, metal and hardcore are recycled and there is similar provision for a multitude of electrical goods. Plastics, oils, paint, batteries can be safely disposed of. I have yet to find a home item that they do not have provision to dispose of. The Foots Cray Reuse and Recycling Centre has won awards for the service it provides and is considered one of the best facilities of its kind in the South East of the country.
One of the things I enjoy most about having my own blog is the fact I can write about the mundane and the trivial. Mainly because so much of life falls into this category. Life defining events are all fine and dandy and certainly lend themselves to philosophical musings that make fine blog posts. However, you can get just as much mileage out of those everyday things in life with less gravitas, that we all do. Such as buying new clothes, taking out the recycling and going to buy groceries. I have written about all of these in the past. However, today I wish to broach a subject that both fascinates me but also raises my blood pressure. I believe it to be a social marker and a clear indication of an individual’s personal psychology. Yes, I’m talking about packing your groceries at the supermarket and the various rituals and social etiquette associated with it.
“Managed decline” is a phrase that refers to the processes associated with the end of a specific lifecycle, with the goal of minimizing costs or other forms of loss. The concept originated in business where it referred to the management of companies and industries. More recently it is used in wider contexts. The concept gained prominence with regard to urban policy, particularly in the UK during the eighties when several major cities suffered economic and political collapse. Of late, the term has been applied to the UK, encompassing a systematic weakening of the economy, social structures, and cultural values, as well as its global political and diplomatic force. In each case, managed decline involves making strategic choices about resource allocation and accepting the consequences of those decisions. It is a complex issue with ethical and practical considerations, often sparking debate about the best way to address decline and reverse the process.
First off, credit where credit is due. I pilfered the idea for this post from Mark Rogers who writes the Newsonaut blog. Apparently it’s a questionnaire that has been doing the rounds across various indie blogs for a while. However, it happens to ask some interesting questions about one’s reading habits. I read a book every month or so and I supplement this by listening to a lot of audiobooks. Yes, I’m aware they’re not the same thing entirely but both offer a means to consume and digest a book. Hence I am not interested in this “popular” internet debate and won’t waste my time on it here. I advocate reading in all its variant forms. Be it sitting in an armchair and perusing a grimoire while smoking a Meerschaum, to reading an article online on your phone or PC. I’d rather that people read in some shape or form, than not at all. As Mark Twain wisely said, “The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read”. So without further ado, here are my answers to the “five Ws of Reading”.