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I am getting old. I shall be 58 in December. Now, as soon as you say something like that these days, some folk will get uncomfortable and say things like “age is relative” or “you’re as old as you feel”. Well I don’t measure my age in geological terms, so it’s not relative and I’m not feeling anyone especially young at the moment, so both schools or thoughts can sod off. I am getting old by the yardstick we measure human life by, namely years. I have specific, age related health issues and I just don’t feel as energised as I did a decade ago. There are minor signs, such as deciding to go to bed earlier and taking longer to get dressed after taking a shower. I’m not at death’s door but I am slowing up physically. It would also appear that my reactions are also slowing down as I tend to get massacred in any FPS I play these days. So far, my mental faculties seem to be holding up. However, that is the one thing I worry about the most. The potential loss of cognitive abilities scares the shit out of me.
I am getting old. I shall be 58 in December. Now, as soon as you say something like that these days, some folk will get uncomfortable and say things like “age is relative” or “you’re as old as you feel”. Well I don’t measure my age in geological terms, so it’s not relative and I’m not feeling anyone especially young at the moment, so both schools or thoughts can sod off. I am getting old by the yardstick we measure human life by, namely years. I have specific, age related health issues and I just don’t feel as energised as I did a decade ago. There are minor signs, such as deciding to go to bed earlier and taking longer to get dressed after taking a shower. I’m not at death’s door but I am slowing up physically. It would also appear that my reactions are also slowing down as I tend to get massacred in any FPS I play these days. So far, my mental faculties seem to be holding up. However, that is the one thing I worry about the most. The potential loss of cognitive abilities scares the shit out of me.
As you get older, you tend to become more philosophical. Possibly because you have less immediate demands upon you, so you have more time to think and reflect upon “life, the universe and everything”. These musings are vastly different from those you had with your friends, as a teenager. Those late night discussions were often ill informed, naive and tempered by substance abuse. The sort of personal reflections I indulge in now are couched in hard experiences and not all of them are good. I also have a lifetime association with organised religion, both tangential and direct, to draw upon. Another factor is that I’ve read prodigiously over the course of my life, across a range of disciplines. Hence, I reached a point in my life where it is assumed by my peers that I should know something by now. I’ve even had a younger acquaintance ask me if I’m any closer to figuring it all out.
Well it is my considered opinion that all questions about the so-called meaning of life are pretty much pointless. Why, you ask? Because there basically isn’t one. Human life on this planet is just an accidental by product of other natural processes. There isn’t a plan. There’s nothing next, it doesn’t get better and your time here is broadly irrelevant and futile. Not futile enough for me to top myself. There are still plenty of pointless distractions to pursue or indulge in the meantime. But overall, what you see is what you get in life. Through a caprice of birth you either get lucky and have decades of hedonistic pleasure, or you work hard for not much and experience intermittent moments of joy, or you have an utterly terrible life filled with pain, suffering and misery. Life is inherently unfair and human beings continuously act against their own best interests. If you pick up a history book you’ll see that we make the same mistakes, again and again. Like Electronic Arts.
So what do you do in light of this revelation? Well it’s up to us to impose our own meaning and purpose upon our lives. Also, accept the fact that some things are nothing more than the sum of their parts. One of the questions that has always gotten on my Tatty Bojangles is this “science can explain the how and why but not the meaning”. Well Colin, because it’s always some p’tak called Colin who trots this drivel out, have you ever considered that there’s no requirement for everything to have a meaning? But I digress, if you’re finding it hard, coming up with ideas for the purpose of life, consider this one. “Try to be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try to live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations”. If that’s too complex, how about this one? “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always”. Even to Colin, I guess.
Smiling
Prior to writing this post, I clocked a picture on a news website of the now disgraced TV presenter (and nonce) Gregg Wallace. I noticed that he doesn’t smile as such but tends to “gurn” instead. So does UK politician (and cunt) Nigel Farage. He always has his mouth open and his face contorted in some curious rictus, in most of the pictures you see of him. Mind you, I also don’t photograph especially well and any pictures of me smiling tend to look sinister or with a heavy hint of irony. The bottom line is not everyone is good at smiling. It doesn’t come naturally to all of us. This can be a problem at times or in social situations, because smiling is an integral part of our culture. On many occasions, I’ve been walking along, my face in a state of natural repose, only to be harangued by some twat shouting “cheer up, it may never happen”. A phrase I haven’t quite fathomed out, even to this day.
Conrad Veidt as Gwynplaine, in The Man Who Laughs (1928)
Prior to writing this post, I clocked a picture on a news website of the now disgraced TV presenter (and nonce) Gregg Wallace. I noticed that he doesn’t smile as such but tends to “gurn” instead. So does UK politician (and cunt) Nigel Farage. He always has his mouth open and his face contorted in some curious rictus, in most of the pictures you see of him. Mind you, I also don’t photograph especially well and any pictures of me smiling tend to look sinister or with a heavy hint of irony. The bottom line is not everyone is good at smiling. It doesn’t come naturally to all of us. This can be a problem at times or in social situations, because smiling is an integral part of our culture. On many occasions, I’ve been walking along, my face in a state of natural repose, only to be harangued by some twat shouting “cheer up, it may never happen”. A phrase I haven’t quite fathomed out, even to this day.
Firstly, let us first define what smiling is. According to Google, to smile is “to form one’s features into a pleased, kind, or amused expression, typically with the corners of the mouth turned up and the front teeth exposed”. As to the function of smiling within society, it is a powerful form of non-verbal communication that serves multiple functions. These include expressing emotions, improving mood, and influencing social interactions. It's a universal signal of happiness and can foster positive connections with others. It is a tool for social bonding and has positive benefits such as stress reduction and mood enhancement. Outside of human society among the other primates, smiling primarily serves as a social signal, often indicating appeasement, submission, or even fear, rather than a straightforward expression of happiness. Fascinating stuff.
Amanda Bearse in Fright Night (1985)
Setting aside the sociological and behavioural complexities of smiling, let us focus on the realities of smiling in society. Smiling is a facet of expected behaviour. On paper that’s not such a bad thing. A smile lets other people know that things are okay. It can be a polite social nicety like saying please and thank you. However, there is scope for this simple social cue to become a far more tyrannical tool, especially for women. Across most forms of media, it is rare to find an image of a woman who is not smiling. Something which is not true of men. Research shows that women smile 62 times per day on average, while men smile only 8 times. Smiling is therefore seen by many as a social expectation, even obligation. A curious offshoot of asking how someone is, with the understanding that you don’t answer negatively. Hence, the cat calls and the aforementioned comments.
One of the things that boils my piss, to invoke a contemporary expression, is the inherently flawed assumption that if you’re not smiling, you’re unhappy. My default facial expression is one of repose. IE neutral. I am not in any specific emotional state and more than likely contemplating something like a sandwich or what are the toilets like in Star Trek. The complexities of my psychological disposition, conveyed via the medium of my face, is obviously too complex a concept for some people who exist in a simple binary state. They, however, they can fuck off with their unwarranted social expectations. I will smile as and when I see fit and not before. I believe that any form of social expression, if used ad nauseum, loses its value. Which is exactly what has happened to smiling. Those who smile incessantly are either lying bastards, trying to sell you something or a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic.
Booking Tickets
Last night Mrs P said apropos of nothing, “shall we go and see John Bishop”? For those who don’t know, John Bishop is an established UK comedian who is currently touring the country. So I went online and checked the details of his tour. We were quite happy to travel to see his show as it would provide an opportunity for a weekend away. Sadly, to cut a long story short we were unable to secure any tickets that suited our needs. From January to April, the tour is mainly using smaller venues such as local theatres and art centres. Later in the year during October and November, the tour moves to arenas, conference centres and stadiums. I find these very impersonal and don’t see any merit in sitting far away from the stage, watching an artist on a giant video screen. We had hoped we could get tickets at one of the smaller theatres but sadly we couldn’t find two seats together.
Last night Mrs P said apropos of nothing, “shall we go and see John Bishop”? For those who don’t know, John Bishop is an established UK comedian who is currently touring the country. So I went online and checked the details of his tour. We were quite happy to travel to see his show as it would provide an opportunity for a weekend away. Sadly, to cut a long story short we were unable to secure any tickets that suited our needs. From January to April, the tour is mainly using smaller venues such as local theatres and art centres. Later in the year during October and November, the tour moves to arenas, conference centres and stadiums. I find these very impersonal and don’t see any merit in sitting far away from the stage, watching an artist on a giant video screen. We had hoped we could get tickets at one of the smaller theatres but sadly we couldn’t find two seats together.
This anecdote illustrates two issues. The first being what do you need to do to keep up to date with tour information for bands, other musical artists and comedians? The second being the actual acquisition of tickets, which is frequently a far from equitable process. Because in the past and by that I mean the eighties and nineties, buying tickets went something like this. After spotting an advert for a forthcoming tour in the music press, I would either phone or visit the venue where the show was to be held and buy tickets from their box office. Alternatively, I would go to a third party ticket agent in Leicester Square and buy tickets there. Sometimes there would be a queue but if you were shrewd about the timing, there would be no major issues. However, this process was subsequently ruined by the internet and online booking services.
The most egregious problem associated with buying tickets nowadays is the rise of automated bots that buy en masse for touts. Another problem associated with the lottery that is the first come, first served approach, are the virtual queues that occur when tickets go on sale at designated times. I spent exactly 14 minutes in an online queue last year, in a vain attempt to buy two tickets for a popular podcast’s live recording. By the time I finally got to the front of the queue, I was greeted with a message that all tickets were sold out. How is this fair and equitable? Furthermore it is far from good PR for the artists in question. Last year’s sale of Oasis reunion tickets really caught the public's attention due to the poor way the process was handled. The question of regulating ticket sales has now even been raised in parliament.
Another issue that occurs, sometimes with smaller venues, is when there are limited tickets left. Some websites refuse to sell pairs of tickets if that sale leaves a single seat on its own. I noticed this when trying to buy two circle tickets from a local theatre recently. I received a pop up message that would not allow the purchase as it left an isolated seat that the venue would naturally find harder to sell. What I want to know is since when did the venue's business problems become mine? To add insult to injury, the ticket software subsequently encouraged me to purchase a third ticket and “bring a friend”. I was utterly flabbergasted by the hubris of this approach and was tempted to call the theatre in question personally. Upon reflection I decided why harass some minimum wage, box office clerk. It’s not as if they set the sales policy.
With regard to being notified in advance about upcoming tours, the obvious solution is to simply register for email notification from the artists respective website. It is also prudent to do the same with both small and large venues. However, I was told by a friend who works in the marketing industry that this approach isn’t quite as simple and foolproof as it would appear. Although bands and artists will notify fans in advance of tours, there exists within this process a two tier system. Those who have previously bought merchandise above a certain value are given priority and first access to ticket sales. A similar system exists with large venues such as the O2 Arena. “Valued” customers are notified in advance and again given access to priority ticket sales.
There are other issues arising that are worth considering. Third party brokers and their additional charges. Then there are the vagaries of the phrase “restricted view”. Some websites include a photo of the view from your seat. Others seem to go out of their way to be as vague as possible. Overall, it seems that ticket sales is a rather ethically questionable business. It may well serve the needs of the vendors but it doesn’t benefit consumers. Many artists try to distance themselves from this process, blaming the fact that it is run by third parties and thus not their fault. However, it would appear that this issue is getting greater scrutiny by the media and consumer groups. The industry may well be facing greater regulation this year. It certainly needs it. In the meantime I have learned from my experience and am better prepared for next time I wish to book tickets for an event.
Being Organised
I recently “tooted” on Mastodon “sometimes it’s a real drag to be the person who always has their shit together”. Although meant humorously, there was an element of truth to the remark. Allow me to explain. I always have a shopping bag in my coat pocket. Our household always has a supply of those things that you often run out of or need occasionally. Such as AA batteries, stamps and envelopes. If Mrs P and I are going out for the day, we’ll check the weather and traffic before we set off. There’s always a spare toner and drum unit for the printer, as well as paper. We’ll book a table at our favourite restaurant in advance of going to the West End show. Why do we do these things? Because we’re organised. I’m not trying to be smug about it, that’s just our default position and how we were raised. Perhaps it’s a generational thing?
I recently “tooted” on Mastodon “sometimes it’s a real drag to be the person who always has their shit together”. Although meant humorously, there was an element of truth to the remark. Allow me to explain. I always have a shopping bag in my coat pocket. Our household always has a supply of those things that you often run out of or need occasionally. Such as AA batteries, stamps and envelopes. If Mrs P and I are going out for the day, we’ll check the weather and traffic before we set off. There’s always a spare toner and drum unit for the printer, as well as paper. We’ll book a table at our favourite restaurant in advance of going to the West End show. Why do we do these things? Because we’re organised. I’m not trying to be smug about it, that’s just our default position and how we were raised. Perhaps it’s a generational thing?
Do organised people attract each other? I’m not sure if that is always the case. However, it is with Mrs P and myself. We are both organised when it comes to admin and finances. We tend not to “put off to tomorrow what can be done today” and we both have a capacity to think ahead and anticipate things that can come up and thus plan for them. It’s seldom rocket science or anything tricky. If we’re collecting the grandchildren from school and looking after them for a few hours, it’s pretty obvious to have food in the freezer and a cupboard full of snacks. Mrs P is always good at remembering birthdays and buying suitable gifts. It isn’t some sort of quasi super power. She just listens to people and makes a note in her diary. I have learned from this and tend to use the calendar and notes features on my phone. Being organised is a lot easier these days with the tools we have.
However, despite the obvious benefits of being prepared, it does come with its own set of problems. Once you are identified by others as “having your shit together” you find that an ad hoc network grows around you. It ranges from those who become at a low level, semi dependent upon your organisational skills, to members of your family that just end up in some pain in ass, symbiotic relationship. This manifests itself in a spectrum of enquiries and requests. At one end you have low level stuff like “can you scan this for me and turn it into a PDF”? At the other extreme there’s “I’ve been accused of a heinous crime. Will you bank roll my legal defence”? This can all become a little frustrating. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that it is important that we all help each other as we journey towards the grave but it can get a little one sided at times.
I used to work with someone who would always ask me the same question every three months or so. The answer could easily be found in the administrative code manual. After a while I said to the person in question “why do you keep asking me this. You should have learned this by now”. They replied “I don’t need to learn it, as I have you”. They meant it sincerely and as a compliment but it really left me aghast because to me it was an appalling personal philosophy. To a degree, I feel this way at times with those who keep asking me “can I borrow your lawn mower”. It would be nice if those who seem dependent, could occasionally manage their own needs. Mrs P thinks I’m being a little harsh and so I usually end up relenting. Hence “sometimes it’s a real drag to be the person who always has their shit together”.