I have several friends whose careers has taken them abroad and as a result they are now residents of other countries. Two live in the US and one lives in Australia. Whenever we catch up socially they quickly fall back into what I describe as “British Mode”, despite the occasional lapse into a US or Australian accent or the use of a word or phrase specific to those countries. All of them are fully integrated into their respective new homes and societies but at heart they still remain a Brit. There are some very particular cultural foibles and matters of etiquette that make for this very specific distinction. I have noticed them myself when speaking with my US colleagues online. I spent several years co-hosting a podcast with my American friend Brian and every now and then, they’d be a pregnant pause in our discussions because one of us had referenced something unknown to the other, or touched upon a social difference that discombobulated the other.
Hence, I thought this matter would make for a fun and possibly interesting blog post. Here are some things that you have to be aware of if you wish to avoid potential embarrassment, being ostracised or “glassed” in the Britain. Some may sound trivial. Some may seem arcane and esoteric but this is how we roll. Please note that these rules are not 100% guaranteed and there may be some Brits who are happy to ignore them. However, we shun these pariahs or have the “sectioned”. We certainly don’t consider such lunatics the norm. So for your own edification follows these when visiting Blighty and everything will be “tickety-boo” as we say. You wouldn’t want to start a “brouhaha” would you. That could end in a “saucy slap”.
Never confuse England with the UK. The UK is a union between four nations and it hasn’t always been a willing or friendly one. England is the bit that isn’t Wales, Northern Ireland or Scotland. Never accuse anyone from those other three nations of being English. It will not go down well.
Pubs. For the main, there is no table service in pubs. You go to the bar, order your drinks and return to a seat or an area where you feel comfortable standing. Some chains of pub such as J D Wetherspoons are geared heavily towards serving food as well as alcohol. They have an app which you can use to order both food and drink and it will be brought to your table. But this is not the prevailing norm. I’ve seen so many US tourists this summer, sitting outside of the Stoat and Dirigible waiting to be served and getting more and more vexed because no one has shown up.
Noise. Brits feel that there is a time and place for noise. As such it is usually confined to sporting events, concerts, parades, demonstrations and Karaoke. It is verboten on public transport, in libraries and on Sunday. The older generation do not equate noise with enthusiasm. They see it as just noise. Remember this my American friends. Your voices tend to carry.
Litter. Put any trash that you generate in a bin. If there is not a convenient recycling receptacle available, take it with you. If you don’t, people will “tutt”. Bolder ones may pick it up your litter, pursue you and return it with a suitably withering remark.
Do not turn up unannounced. For me this is right up there with “don’t murder people unless you really have to”. It is a sin that I consider most egregious. I am going to be blunt now. I may well like you but I tend to have my days planned in advanced. As such I don’t care to be interrupted. Mainly because I doubt you will prove as entertaining or absorbing as what I have planned. Plus, if a guest is expected, I will shave, dress appropriately and make sure nibbles and such like are provided. If you just show up on a whim, you run the risk of being met by someone who looks like a freshly exhumed corpse who has nothing in the pantry to offer you. If you want to pop round, send a text, WhatsApp or something. Give us a clue. Turning up randomly is just disrespectful and rude. NB I am aware that different culture do the opposite of this but they’re not British.
Queuing (Forming a line). We are not savages. We are polite and democratic. Hence if there’s only one checkout available in the local store, you form an orderly queue. Furthermore, you need to mindful that there are people behind you waiting, so have your bags and money ready. Don’t get into long conversation with the member of staff behind the till about “the birds on Mrs Coltart’s roof”. Brits like a queue. It happens organically over the most trivial things. It’s one of a handful of things that politicians haven’t ruined.
Making a fuss or a scene. This is fucking Kryptonite to most Brits. As John Cleese wrote in his biography. “My parents’ lifelong ambition, from the moment they got married, was simply never to be embarrassed again”. Making a fuss is the quickest route to social embarrassment. What counts as making a fuss to a Brit? Anything from not complaining about a meal in a restaurant or getting short changed in a supermarket, to having your legs severed in an RTA and screaming a bit. There is measured complaining, which is filled with copious apologies and caveats and then there’s just “going off alarmingly”. If anyone ever says under their breath to you, “don’t make a scene” then disengage and change the subject or retreat from the immediate situation.
Never invade someone’s personal space (unless invited to do so). I thought in this modern age the concept of personal space was universally known and understood. It would appear that I was mistaken. So here is a recap. Imagine looking down upon yourself, like third person perspective in a video game. Imagine a zone around your body that extends several feet (popular consensus goes with 4). With that in mind, no one else of God’s green earth should step anywhere inside that zone without a specific invite. Friends and family, lovers and paramedics are allowed to. Anyone else can fuck right off. I utterly despise over familiarity. Hence I don’t dig being touched by anyone I don’t know and will get quite violent about it, if people do so. Sometimes for practical reasons, we have to bend this rule, such as when we travel on public transport on rush hour. Otherwise, don’t invade anyone else’s personal space. Especially you, huggers (I’ve no idea where you’ve been). A polite handshake will suffice.
I have several friends whose careers has taken them abroad and as a result they are now residents of other countries. Two live in the US and one lives in Australia. Whenever we catch up socially they quickly fall back into what I describe as “British Mode”, despite the occasional lapse into a US or Australian accent or the use of a word or phrase specific to those countries. All of them are fully integrated into their respective new homes and societies but at heart they still remain a Brit. There are some very particular cultural foibles and matters of etiquette that make for this very specific distinction. I have noticed them myself when speaking with my US colleagues online. I spent several years co-hosting a podcast with my American friend Brian and every now and then, they’d be a pregnant pause in our discussions because one of us had referenced something unknown to the other, or touched upon a social difference that discombobulated the other.