Boredom
When I was a child, I quickly learned never to say within earshot of my parents that I was bored. It was quickly met with a response along the lines of “an intelligent mind is never bored” or more worryingly “if you’ve got nothing to do, I’ll find you something” which meant a chore or Herculean task. Being a child of the seventies and due to my parents fundamentalist approach to declarations of boredom, I quickly discovered numerous ways to occupy myself. The default solution was a book or comic. I always liked reading as a child and had plenty of books to choose from. I also had numerous of comics as an alternative to a hefty tome. I would also draw and paint. My father use to work during the summer holidays as a design draftsman and as a result, we always had plenty of paper in our house. Then of course there were toys and such like. Hence I learned the art of keeping myself busy.
When I was a child, I quickly learned never to say within earshot of my parents that I was bored. It was quickly met with a response along the lines of “an intelligent mind is never bored” or more worryingly “if you’ve got nothing to do, I’ll find you something” which meant a chore or Herculean task. Being a child of the seventies and due to my parents fundamentalist approach to declarations of boredom, I quickly discovered numerous ways to occupy myself. The default solution was a book or comic. I always liked reading as a child and had plenty of books to choose from. I also had numerous of comics as an alternative to a hefty tome. I would also draw and paint. My father use to work during the summer holidays as a design draftsman and as a result, we always had plenty of paper in our house. Then of course there were toys and such like. Hence I learned the art of keeping myself busy.
Throughout my life I cannot remember any lengthy period in which I was bored. As a teenager I had a great circle of friends and we were always out and about. As an adult full-time employment, marriage and a child meant boredom was a luxury. In more recent years I have always used my leisure time to pursue some sort of creative endeavour or learn a new skill. Although I like to loaf, lost in idle thoughts, I don’t do such things excessively. I think I rather resent too much wasted time. Especially at the age I’m at now. I am more aware that time is a finite commodity. Hence, I don’t suffer from boredom that often. I do from time to time get a bit weary with some of life’s routines. However, when I become aware of monotony or crave something new to do, I will address the situation.
Boredom is an interesting concept. While researching this post I saw it described as “the unpleasant, aversive state of desiring but being unable to engage in a satisfying activity. It is characterized by a mismatch between the mental engagement we desire and the stimulation we are actually experiencing”. This can certainly happen when our tasks are too repetitive, too easy, or not meaningful enough. It leaves us feeling restless, apathetic, or unfulfilled (or if you’re a child, whiny). The experience of boredom varies in intensity and duration. Usually it manifests itself as a temporary feeling in a specific situation, like being stuck in traffic or waiting to be seen at the Doctors Surgery. Boredom is also very subjective and varies in intensity between individuals. Some people actually have a personality trait indicating a susceptibility to boredom. It can be associated with attention problems, anxiety, and depression.
Boredom is not simply a lack of things to do but an internal sign that something is wrong with our current engagement. According to psychologists, boredom is a problem of attention, where we are unable to direct our focus to a satisfying activity. Our mind is numbed by a monotonous task or overwhelmed by a distracting environment. A core component of boredom is the failure to find meaning or fulfillment in one's current situation or activities. Some people, are more prone to boredom because they have a higher-than-average need for excitement. According to the “Goldilocks framework” (sadly no bears or porridge is involved) boredom occurs when the challenge of a task is mismatched with our skills. Furthermore, feeling stuck in a situation where you have no control over your activities is another trigger for boredom, which is why it is common in childhood and adolescence.
Is boredom a lack of intelligence, as my parents so often claimed? No, studies show otherwise. Boredom is a complex emotion caused by a mismatch between our mental stimulation and our immediate environment. While people with higher intelligence may need more stimulation and become bored if left unchallenged, anyone can experience boredom. It’s often a sign of under-stimulation, over-stimulation, or a deeper need for meaning and fulfillment. However, people of all intellects can find ways to alleviate boredom. Physical activity is one method. Go for a walk or exercise for example. Another is to undertake chores around the home or office. Tidy, clean, cook, do some research, sort out some admin. All can break the monotony. Then there’s mental engagement. Read, listen to music, watch TV or play a game. Some people even advocate using a period of boredom to meditate or reflect upon something you need to address. Potentially boredom can be channeled into well being.
The opposite of boredom is continuous engagement and stimulation. You can probably guess where I’m going with this. Yes, modern culture and social media actually make boredom worse. Paradoxically, having unlimited entertainment at our fingertips has caused self-reported boredom levels to rise significantly over the last 15 years. Hence younger generations have been born into a world where they’re conditioned to crave stimulation continuously, thus leading to more frequent lows when boredom kicks in. The traditional antidotes I mentioned previously are declining among the same generation, so they have a harder time addressing boredom. There is clearly a problem here but breaking an addiction to social media and other aspects of modernity is far from easy.
Boredom is a natural part of existence because day-to-day life itself is not a never ending cavalcade of fun and larks. Our daily experience involves a lot of repetitive tasks. In fact I would go so far as to define one’s life as predominantly mundane with occasional moments of joy and pleasure, as well as sadness, fear and unpleasantness. The contrast is needed to make the good parts special. Boredom is therefore a requirement, as one cannot know excitement without boredom to compare it with. However, I recognise that my musings on this particular subject may be very much at odds with other peoples. Some people greatly fear boredom, especially the neurodiverse. Boredom is something that has to be countered the moment there’s a possibility of it occurring. In such circumstance, I can see why boredom is such an unwelcome guest.
When I first started this series of posts back in 2023, they were originally intended to provide a useful overview into UK (mainly British) slang. US slang is ubiquitous globally due to the pervasive nature of American culture. Hence most people have a good grasp of its nuances. However, the proverbial door does not swing both ways. Hence most people will watch British TV dramas or read popular novels and can be quite bamboozled by some of the phrases that are used. That is what I was trying to address. However, over time this entire enterprise now reads like a some sort of Guy Ritchie film with Colin as the anti-hero. That notwithstanding, hopefully the list of slang phrases below will prove useful to know, if you ever visit the UK or tour around London. As ever I have given an example of their respective use. Feel free to ask questions if anything needs clarifying, or you wish to leave a comment with examples of you’re own national and regional slang.
As I write this post, the temperature in Greater London is 33°C (91.4°F). This has become a regular occurrence since the middle of May onwards. High temperatures are fine when you’re on holiday mainly because you’re off work and at your leisure. You don’t have to perform the usual daily task that life requires of you such as work, shop, cook, clean etc. Furthermore, if you’re on vacation you’ll probably be staying at a resort or hotel that is fully air conditioned and you’re dressed accordingly. However, if you’re still performing you’re daily routine such as commuting to work and spending time in an office that wasn’t built with such external temperatures in mind, then 33°C is frankly a pain in the ass. Oh and if you’re one of those people who always respond to discussions such as this with “well I live in Riyadh and it’s 40°C here”, please sod off. You live in a desert which is dumb to begin with. Plus this is not a commensurate comparison. Temperatures are rising in the UK. It’s always hot in Saudi Arabia.
If you visit the websites for such UK tabloid newspapers as the Daily Express or the Daily Mail you will no doubt encounter prominent stories about Megan Markle, Nigel Farage and “immigrants”. If these two august institutions are short of column inches, they’ll run a piece about how some former celebrity has had the unmitigated gall and temerity to get old. I mean WTF? How dare they do what human beings are genetically disposed to do. It’s outrageous. Similarly, head over to the Unherd website and you’ll find foam flecked tirades regarding spurious points of contention over dubious subjects. Often the topic being harangued is incredibly niche and I’ve never heard of it before or even considered it being a thing. These sort of talking points are not about informing, debating and most certainly aren’t about thinking. They exist to provoke reactions.
Before we start, let me explain to those readers outside of the UK, the significance of a Dairy Milk Freddo chocolate bar and its relevance to this post. The “Freddo” is an 18g (0.63 oz) chocolate bar, in the shape of an anthropomorphic frog. When it was re-launched by Cadbury in 1990 (it had previously been manufactured by an Australian confectionery company in the seventies), it was priced at 10p (£0.10). It remained at that price until 2005 when a 1p to 2p increase began to occur each year. By 2016 Freddos were retailing at 25p. However, the following year the price “lept” to 30p with an increase that was double its usual yearly rise. This led to public outrage across social media. Since then the price of a Freddo has waxed and waned. Tesco supermarket reduced the price back to 10p as part of their centenary celebrations. The post COVID price in 2022 hit 49p. At present, the average price of a Freddo in the UK is somewhere around 35p.
Over the last 10 years, I’ve written several blog posts about my personal working experiences and my career, such as it was. I touched upon working specifically in IT and how that industry changed over time, both technically and in the way that other people perceived it. I have also given my thoughts on the social dynamics of the modern work environment and the way we interact with our colleagues and employers. That is another area that has changed dramatically. Naturally my retirement from full time work has been written about, as it is such a radical change in one’s life. Especially if you’re the sort of person who is clearly defined by their job, which I personally was not. This time, I want to share a few thoughts I have about what I miss about “going to work” and “having a job”. I’m not sure if “miss” is the right word. Perhaps it is more a question of things being absent. Either way, there are some aspects of being employed that I use to enjoy or at least found beneficial that I now no longer experience.
UK Prime Minister, Sir Keir Starmer has resigned and intends to leave office before the parliamentary summer recess. By then Andy Burnham will more than likely be voted leader of the Labour Party and by default will become the new Prime Minister. Due to the current size of the incumbent Government’s majority, there is no pressing reason for a General Election that the UK’s right wing tabloid press is currently calling for. Whether this provides the Government with the reset they’re hoping for when Parliament reconvenes in autumn remains to be seen. With seven Prime Ministers coming and going in a decade, there are some serious questions to be asked about the current state of UK politics. However, the mechanics of contemporary politics, the decline of clearly defined ideologies and the people that seek elected office to be our leaders are only half of the problem. The other major impediment to the UK’s democracy functioning properly is the electorate.
The UK Government has formerly announced its intention to ban under-16s from using social media. This is due to increasing public pressure that “something must be done” about the perceived iniquities of many online platforms. However, as with most complex social problems of this nature, no one has any clear or practical ideas as to what that “something” is. It remains a nebulous, non-specific panacea and clearly someone else’s job to identify and implement. As ever, why choose a nuanced and multifaceted solution to a complex problem, when it is far easier and politically expedient to just “ban” something. The former requires effort and a degree of thinking. If such an approach fails it also means that those who came up with it now carry the can. The latter dumps the problem in the lap of various third parties, who can then be conveniently blamed when the ill conceived policy fails.
Every Thursday, Mrs P volunteers at a food bank that is run from a local church; Avery Hill Christian Fellowship. Today there was a shortage of staff so I agreed to help out. It proved to be an equitable arrangement as she collated the various orders and I packed the bags and took them to the respective clients. The food bank itself is organised and administered by the Trussell Trust, a UK based NGO and charity providing emergency food and support to people locked in poverty. It is open for 2 to 3 hours a week depending upon demand. During today’s session we served just six people. Some weeks its can be triple that amount. Upon closure, a member of staff from the Trussel Trust did a stock take and collated a list of what was needed. This is provided by various local church communities via parishioners donations, as well as local supermarkets who have an arrangement with the trust to provide surplus stock or good approaching the end of their sales window.
There are approximately 4000 parks and green spaces in Greater London. Bexley Borough alone has over 100. Public parks and green spaces are vital to modern cities, providing essential health, environmental and social benefits. They boost physical and mental wellbeing by reducing stress and providing a place for exercise. Furthermore they enhance urban sustainability, mitigate heat, and provide a sustainable environment for a wildlife. Parks are often a venue for social activities and events and as such are an important part of the local community. Going to the park has always been a part of my life. I live next to Old Farm Park in Sidcup and have made use of this recreational space throughout my life. I used visit with my parents in the seventies, when I was a child. Thirty years later my son, father in-law and I would fly kites there. Now I take my grandchildren to Old Farm Park as it now has a playground.
Being a 58 year old man, I welcome any undertaking which can potentially improve my health. One such thing is proactive screening and testing. The UK National Health Service has started doing a lot more of this in recent years, mainly because diagnosing a problem and treating it early is far more efficient and cost effective than retroactive action. Hence this policy and my age is why I was recently sent a NHS Bowel Cancer Test Kit via the post. This screening service takes place every two years for people aged 50 to 74 in the UK. The kit is very quick and simple to use. A sample of your stool is sent via a prepaid return envelope for testing and the entire process is free of charge. Upon receipt, the laboratory test determines whether there is any blood present in your stool, which is a potential indicator of bowel cancer. If detected, an early diagnosis greatly improves any subsequent treatment outcomes.
I like learning things. I always have. During my middle school years I thought I was a mediocre student and often I wouldn’t apply myself. According to an old school report this was because I was “too busy indulging in Tomfoolery”. Then I had the positive experience of meeting an exceptional teacher. Their lessons were the highlight of the week as they had an ability to make the subject matter, Classical History, utterly compelling and relevant. The teacher in question also treated us like adults and the class benefitted from only having five pupils. This really brought home to me that a lot of disinterest and underachievement in education is linked to the paucity of some teachers. One bad teacher can undermine the good work that all the others can do. Perhaps it has improved nowadays?
I’ve had an interest in the paranormal since I was a child. My mother always got books out of the library about ghosts and UFO phenomenon, so in some respects I was influenced by her reading habits. As a child such tales were by default interesting and any potentially scary element naturally made them more enjoyable. However, my father being an academic had taught me to question everything, so I felt fairly evenly equipped when exploring these subjects. Further to this point, over the years I have learned that humans have a very unique perspective on the world. We are hard wired to see patterns, regardless of whether they’re there or not. Our senses can also be fooled and often are. Perhaps the most important aspect of our nature that impacts upon any analysis we make into the paranormal is our penchant for creating stories. Hence unusual experiences can be subconsciously misremembered and “retconned” to form more precise narratives.
I have lived in Sidcup, in South East London, for most of my life. The first two schools that I went to were local and within 15 minutes walking distance. My Doctor’s Surgery and Dentist are only a few streets away, as is the barbershop that I’ve frequented since 1970. I now have my haircut by the son of the original barber. My point being that Sidcup has everything that residents immediately need. There’s a local hospital, good public transport networks and a broad range of shopping and restaurant facilities. It also has several parks with lakes, sport facilities and children’s play areas. It is a microcosm of the concept of suburbia with its residents commuting into Central London or out into Kent for work. People move here to raise families and end up staying. My parents lived here for 62 years.
Our household is currently trying to reduce our monthly overheads in response to the ever increasing cost of living. April is not that far away and a great many service providers will increase their rates and tariff as the new financial year begins. Then there is the ongoing effects, both direct and indirect, of inflation to consider. Although the UK inflation rate is dropping, currently sitting at 3.4% in December 2025, food inflation remains higher at 4.5%. Being based in the UK, salaries and billed services tend to be administered monthly. You get paid usually at the end of the months and bills can turn up at any point, depending upon when you started a service. Any payments coming from central government, such as state pension or other benefits, are paid every 4 weeks. This means that there are 13 payments in a year. I thought it pertinent to clarify this point as other countries, such as the USA, favour a fortnightly financial cycle. Hence as a household we work around a monthly budget.
I try not to let the failings of contemporary capitalism get to me but such a mindset is very hard to maintain. From time to time it does just piss you off and you know damn well that there’s nothing you can do about it. So to begin this tale, at the end of November, our Indesit washer/dryer gave up the ghost after a valiant twelve year lifespan. As a result of this household appliance’s stirling work, it was decided to buy another from the same manufacturer. Their website informed me that the model that had just broken was no longer being produced. However, it recommended two newer appliances that had comparable specifications and more importantly the same size. This washer/dryer had to fit into a fitted kitchen unit. To cut a long story short, a model was chosen, purchased, delivered within 48 hours and installed. The broken predecessor was subsequently taken away. The wonders of modern consumer culture!
I was in a pub last night, catching up with friends before Christmas, when I noticed on the wall something I haven’t seen in a pub for a very long time. A jukebox. In my experiences most of the pubs I go to take one of the following two approaches to background music. They either have a sound system and exclusively manage any music via personally curated playlists from behind the bar. Or they have no music at all. The Wetherspoons chain of pubs broadly follow the latter policy and actively use it as a marketing point. Quiet pubs for clientele that just want to talk can be popular. Hence finding an accessible jukebox was a blast from the past. During the late eighties and early nineties, I regularly visited my local pub and often used the jukebox there, which at the time, was operated by an ever changing store of CDs. The jukebox I encountered last night was digital.
Today is my 58th birthday. It would appear that I have existed for nearly six decades. Put another way, I am over half a century old. All of which has given me pause for thought with regard to the passage of time. A phrase that is often bandied about, but what exactly does it mean? As I understand it, the “passage of time” refers to our perception of the flow of time and how we experience its movement. This is something distinct and different from objective time as measured by clocks. Our subjective experience of time can vary due to multiple factors. Two common examples are how time can feel like it's flying by when we're having fun and enjoying something or dragging its feet when you’re enduring something dull. Other factors are whether we are applying ourselves to a task, concentrating and general activity. Such focus can make time pass quickly.
When Mrs P and I moved into our current home, over twenty years ago, we were both working full time. As the garden was poorly maintained and neither of us had any horticultural skills, we decided to employ a gardener. At the time it was a practical solution to the issue of garden maintenance and remains so today. Hence it is a service we continue to use, although our personal health is now the main reason we pay a gardener.
In July the UK Government introduced the Online Safety Act which requires age checks for accessing sexually explicit content online. As a result of this, Pornhub, the 19th most visited site on the internet, has reported a 77% decline in UK traffic. Furthermore, according to the UK regulatory body, OFCOM (The Office of Communications), overall visits to pornographic websites from the UK have fallen by 33%. Naturally, those who championed this legislation are claiming a moral and political victory. However, once you consider what these facts actually mean, they paint a somewhat different and potentially more worrying picture. It would be staggeringly naïve to think that UK visitors to Pornhub have ceased visiting such sites due to the age verification requirements. The more likely explanation is that UK porn consumers are now using VPNs to circumnavigate these restrictions and that this traffic to Pornhub is now recorded as coming from elsewhere.
Formal education in the UK is a structured process, starting at early years learning and continuing through to higher education at university. Some aspects of the educational system are mandatory, whereas others are optional. At present, children in the UK must start full-time education from the age of 5 and remain until the age of 16. After this age, they are no longer required to attend school per se but must remain in some other form of education or training, such as a vocational college or an apprenticeship. Many students remain at school until 18, as there are specific exams to be obtained that are required for a subsequent university placement. Here is a breakdown of the current process as it exists in the UK.
I don’t know if you have noticed that there are quite a lot of companies that have names taken from Tolkien’s Legendarium. At first glance, this seems innocuous enough. Tolkien’s writings grew in popularity over the seventies and eighties but since the release of the film trilogy at the start of the twenty-first century, his work has become more well known and been assimilated into our wider pop culture. Hence, it seems quite logical that a startup tech company, for example, would choose a name from his writings. No doubt the founders grew up reading The Lord of the Rings and are fans. That all seems plausible. However if you take a further look, it gets somewhat more complex. Here are four companies that have Tolkien based names.
Last Wednesday, I woke up with what I thought to be a crick in my neck on the left hand side. I assumed this was simply due to sleeping awkwardly and so I self medicated with some non-prescription pain relief and judicious use of a heat pad. Unfortunately, the problem has persisted and in the last 24 hours it has become much worse. I awoke this morning at about 5:00 AM and as I sat up in bed, an intense pain ran up the left side of my neck and behind my ear. It took several attempts for me to get out of bed because if I turned my head in either direction or inclined my chin, the pain would again run up the side of my neck. Sitting down, getting up and raising my arms caused similar results. While dressing, I attempted to pull a t-shirt over my head. The pain in my neck on this occasion was so severe that I yelled out loud and nearly blacked out.
I am a non-driver. If you wish to know the specifics of how this situation came about, feel free to read the post I wrote about it back in early 2018. To be succinct, I don’t drive, I’ve never learned how and have never owned a car. I don’t feel that I’ve missed out. In fact I feel quite the opposite. I think I’ve dodged a major hassle and expense in life. Mrs P, my significant other, is the designated driver of our household. She owns a car, insures it and maintains it. She also mainly pays for the petrol, whereas I pick up the tab for other things such as lunch or hotels when we travel. All I have to do is make like Iggy Pop if we go anywhere. The most I am ever called upon to do is navigate using Google maps and Android Auto. Fortunately, Mrs P enjoys driving. Always has done. Hence I look upon this situation as an extremely fortunate and equitable arrangement.
I am getting old. I shall be 58 in December. Now, as soon as you say something like that these days, some folk will get uncomfortable and say things like “age is relative” or “you’re as old as you feel”. Well I don’t measure my age in geological terms, so it’s not relative and I’m not feeling anyone especially young at the moment, so both schools or thoughts can sod off. I am getting old by the yardstick we measure human life by, namely years. I have specific, age related health issues and I just don’t feel as energised as I did a decade ago. There are minor signs, such as deciding to go to bed earlier and taking longer to get dressed after taking a shower. I’m not at death’s door but I am slowing up physically. It would also appear that my reactions are also slowing down as I tend to get massacred in any FPS I play these days. So far, my mental faculties seem to be holding up. However, that is the one thing I worry about the most. The potential loss of cognitive abilities scares the shit out of me.
Foots Cray Reuse and Recycling Centre is the fancy name of our local dump. A few decades ago, this was no more than a scrap yard. The rubbish and bric-a-brac left by the public was sorted and scavenged for resaleable scrap. Everything that was left was subsequently sent to landfill or incineration. Much has changed. Today it is the embodiment of the modern recycling ethos. The recycling centre is a well managed, carefully segregated site providing safe disposal of a wide variety of household and garden waste. Wood, metal and hardcore are recycled and there is similar provision for a multitude of electrical goods. Plastics, oils, paint, batteries can be safely disposed of. I have yet to find a home item that they do not have provision to dispose of. The Foots Cray Reuse and Recycling Centre has won awards for the service it provides and is considered one of the best facilities of its kind in the South East of the country.
One of the things I enjoy most about having my own blog is the fact I can write about the mundane and the trivial. Mainly because so much of life falls into this category. Life defining events are all fine and dandy and certainly lend themselves to philosophical musings that make fine blog posts. However, you can get just as much mileage out of those everyday things in life with less gravitas, that we all do. Such as buying new clothes, taking out the recycling and going to buy groceries. I have written about all of these in the past. However, today I wish to broach a subject that both fascinates me but also raises my blood pressure. I believe it to be a social marker and a clear indication of an individual’s personal psychology. Yes, I’m talking about packing your groceries at the supermarket and the various rituals and social etiquette associated with it.
“Managed decline” is a phrase that refers to the processes associated with the end of a specific lifecycle, with the goal of minimizing costs or other forms of loss. The concept originated in business where it referred to the management of companies and industries. More recently it is used in wider contexts. The concept gained prominence with regard to urban policy, particularly in the UK during the eighties when several major cities suffered economic and political collapse. Of late, the term has been applied to the UK, encompassing a systematic weakening of the economy, social structures, and cultural values, as well as its global political and diplomatic force. In each case, managed decline involves making strategic choices about resource allocation and accepting the consequences of those decisions. It is a complex issue with ethical and practical considerations, often sparking debate about the best way to address decline and reverse the process.
It’s been five years since the COVID-19 global pandemic. At the time it was an utterly alien and tumultuous experience. However, due to the way numerous institutions responded (but not the government), many people thought there would be a great deal of social and political change in the UK afterwards. The pandemic highlighted the impotence of the NHS, as well as those who work in jobs designated as essential. It also shone a spotlight on many of the country’s inequalities. Due to our national character, a real sense of community emerged. Something that had been absent for a very long time. Briefly, we got a glimpse of what the UK could be when we all broadly worked together. There was a sense that now was the time to change the status quo. Sadly, nothing changed. As soon as the vaccination program was launched, the UK quickly slipped back into the mire it’s been wallowing in since the end of WWII.
Prior to writing this post, I clocked a picture on a news website of the now disgraced TV presenter (and nonce) Gregg Wallace. I noticed that he doesn’t smile as such but tends to “gurn” instead. So does UK politician (and cunt) Nigel Farage. He always has his mouth open and his face contorted in some curious rictus, in most of the pictures you see of him. Mind you, I also don’t photograph especially well and any pictures of me smiling tend to look sinister or with a heavy hint of irony. The bottom line is not everyone is good at smiling. It doesn’t come naturally to all of us. This can be a problem at times or in social situations, because smiling is an integral part of our culture. On many occasions, I’ve been walking along, my face in a state of natural repose, only to be harangued by some twat shouting “cheer up, it may never happen”. A phrase I haven’t quite fathomed out, even to this day.
Guilds Are Not Group Therapy
I was recently trawling through some screen captures from 2009, taken when I was a very active player in the MMORPG The Lord of the Rings Online. Several included the chat window as I hadn’t turned off the GUI when I pressed “print screen”. Hence I read a few fragments of chat which subsequently reminded me of a problematic situation our guild experienced for a couple of months. That being when someone joins your guild and at first seems like a good fit but later starts becoming difficult and unreasonable with regard to their expectations and online behaviour. The person in question in this instance eventually stated that they had mental health issues but by the time this was raised a lot of harm had been done to all parties concerned. They ended up leaving after an argument centred around perceived personal slights and a lack of support for their needs. It was an upsetting experience that was poorly handled, although it wasn’t any particular person’s fault.
I was recently trawling through some screen captures from 2009, taken when I was a very active player in the MMORPG The Lord of the Rings Online. Several included the chat window as I hadn’t turned off the GUI when I pressed “print screen”. Hence I read a few fragments of chat which subsequently reminded me of a problematic situation our guild experienced for a couple of months. That being when someone joins your guild and at first seems like a good fit but later starts becoming difficult and unreasonable with regard to their expectations and online behaviour. The person in question in this instance eventually stated that they had mental health issues but by the time this was raised a lot of harm had been done to all parties concerned. They ended up leaving after an argument centred around perceived personal slights and a lack of support for their needs. It was an upsetting experience that was poorly handled, although it wasn’t any particular person’s fault.
To summarise, a new player joined our LOTRO guild (kinship in the games own parlance) after grouping with some of our officers. They had been up to that point polite although a little shy and keen to learn and undertake group content. They did not use voice chat but would listen in and communicate via the chat window, which was not unusual as we had several other players that did this for a variety of reasons. After a while, especially when running instances and raids, they began to get frustrated with failure and when the group wiped. Although we never ever as a group blamed anyone, this person began to suggest we were inferring it. They also made a lot of suggestions regarding gameplay and strategy that were not relevant or useful. They had previously been an active player of another MMO and didn’t seem to understand that the mechanics and dynamics were not transferable.
It all culminated in a major argument one Friday night during a planned raid. Again a group wipe caused frustration for them. Supportive comments in chat about getting “back on the horse” were misinterpreted. Sub argument broke out via direct messages and then it started getting acrimonious. Eventually the guild leader interceded and politely suggested that the player take some time out to calm down and that they would happily listen to any legitimate concerns. It was at this point that the upset player declared to have mental health issues and that they were looking to the guild to work these through. It seemed that every positive thing said to placate and defuse the situation was taken the wrong way and they then quit the guild and vanished into the ether. A long and detailed in-game mail was sent the next day claiming bullying and callousness, none of which from my perspective was true. The player then either deleted or renamed their character and was subsequently untraceable.
Over the years, I have noticed that the MMO genre attracts a lot of people who have personal problems and who are facing mental health issues. MMOs offer a means of social interaction that is far more controlled and potentially manageable compared to those in real life. You can reinvent your persona and the way you are perceived. Chatting in text puts you far more in control of the situation. Hence you can see why MMOs are appealing to the introverted and those who wish a degree of privacy, while still having company and fun. However, the pendulum can swing equally the other way. Text driven chat can be a blunt tool. If you can’t see or hear someone, you can miss a lot of social cues. Irony and sarcasm are an obvious example. Plus, even online and within the superficially cosy atmosphere of an MMO, a lot of the problems from regular social interaction still persist. There are dominant personalities, cliques, power struggles and egos to deal with.
Hence, although I can see the allure of seeing an MMO as a safe or at least controlled environment to meet people and work through or address one’s personal problems, it strikes me as a far from appropriate environment to treat as a form of therapy. I’m sure some gamers may well contradict me and possibly cite positive examples of how they used their guilds as a medium for self healing. If that is the case then well done but I’m not sure if that is the prevailing experience. With regard to the anecdote I shared earlier, I was unaware of the person in question’s issues and even if they had talked about them earlier, would not have felt adequately equipped to help them beyond basic common decency. It also strikes me as a little unrealistic to expect too much from guild mates, when your main social bond is just playing and enjoying the game together.
Some guilds are set up to specifically cater to particular people or groups. To provide a safe space, a friendly environment and a support network. That is a different kettle of fish and a far cry from joining a casual guild of random players. It is difficult to gauge exactly what you should and should not expect from other players when joining a guild. I am happy to be welcoming and supportive to new players. But where does that social obligation end exactly? I find myself with more questions than answers. However, I feel that guilds are not an ideal medium for group therapy or as a means to self treat. I still look back on this incident from 2009 with a degree of upset. Did we do something wrong? Or were we wrong footed through no fault of our own? I wonder about the wellbeing of the individual concerned but as I previously stated, they vanished. Something that the internet accommodates quite well.
Some video games lend themselves to being set aside and resumed at a later date with zero consequences. These are often casual games with no major goals other than having fun while playing them. Fall Guys is a great example of this. You have a cartoony avatar that participates in zany group races, filled with obstacles. You run, jump, climb but the controls are far from difficult. You may well become skilled but such things are mitigated by the other players as they stumble around. You’re not at the mercy of apex players or “try hards”. It is not a game about winning and mastering techniques. The fun comes from playing it and the unique experience you have each time. I’ve been playing this game, on and off, since it’s launch in 2020 and in that time I have only ever won once (winning requires you to win a series of 4 to six individual races). However, whenever I pick up my controller and play Fall Guys, I have fun and the game lifts my spirits.
I recently completed the main story in Tainted Grail: The Fall of Avalon. In total I spent about sixty hours playing the game. I began at the start of the year, then took a break for a while but returned to it recently because I wanted to see if I could unlock a specific ending. I did manage to do this. Like so many other RPGs, Tainted Grail: the Fall of Avalon has a central storyline, along with a wealth of side quests, based around factions in specific zones. I think I possibly completed about a two thirds of these. However, once I finished the main story, my interest in the game began to wane. I finally left my character in the last major quest hub in case I wish to return at a future date. I then logged out of the game and uninstalled it from my PC to free up space for whatever I was to play next. In this case its The Sinking City 2. None of this is a negative reflection on Tainted Grail: the Fall of Avalon. I enjoyed the time I spent playing this quirky RPG. I simply had my fill and left to play something else.
On Tuesday 11th April, Aspyr Media rather surprisingly re-released The Lord of the Rings: War in the North, a co-op action-RPG from 2011. This game was delisted in late 2019, possibly due to changing rights ownership or a license expiring. Hence, I was somewhat discombobulated by the return of this title to all major gaming platforms. Mind you, the Embracer Group (through its subsidiary Middle-earth Enterprises) still controls the worldwide commercial and video game licensing rights for The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit. Furthermore they have explicitly stated that they have plans for more games. It would appear this also means re-releasing and updating old favourites. It is also worth noting that they own Aspyr Media, which is also a bit of a giveaway. Let it suffice to say that this re-release and sparked enthusiastic online debate as to whether any other he Lord of the Rings themed games from the same era will receive a similar makeover. Judging by the internet chatter, there’s potentially a market for them.
The next expansion for the MMORG, The Lord of the Rings Online, was announced on the 1st August, via the gaming website MMORPG.The Wolves of Mordor, which will launch later in the year, appears ambitious in scope as it will include two new game systems as well as the obligatory story update. This expansion takes place in Draugardh located in the North East of Mordor, beyond the Plateau of Gorgoroth. It includes the new zones of Heledhris, Parth Rhavas and Nan Ogol. These vary environmentally ranging from the arid, volcanic and semi-tropical. Players will encounter the Daugrim in these regions, Werewolves but not in the modern sense. This is not the lycanthropy of Eastern European legends but in the established Tolkien idiom of fell spirits inhabiting the bodies of Wolves. The region also sees the return of the Woses and players can expect to encounter Elves and scouts from Gondor. As ever with LOTRO expansions, there will be new instances as well as a raid.
This is a post about the power of nostalgia and how sometimes, interacting with something from your past, be it physically or mentally, can produce a very strong and tangible emotional reaction. In some instances, this can be the result of something that you have specifically set out to do. On other occasions you can wander into a sense of nostalgia purely by chance. Today I experienced a very strong sense of nostalgia while watching a YouTube video and then again when I sought to replicate what I had seen. The video showed someone installing Windows 95 on to an old 486 PC from that era. The Window’s start up sound really touched a nerve (but in a good way) and then when the guy in the video launched Space Cadet 3D Pinball, a game that shipped with the operating system, I felt a strong compulsion to track down a copy and install the game myself, thus revisiting something that was an integral part of my life in 1995.
RV There Yet? is possibly the most entertaining game I’ve never played. My vicarious pleasure regarding this title has come exclusively from watching two popular YouTubers, JackFrags and WillFromWork, play through the game over a series of videos. It has been immensely amusing to watch and I have empathised a great deal as the group of four players has struggled with the game’s unpredictable mechanics and their own team’s dynamic. I could go and buy RV There Yet? myself but I doubt if I would ever have a gaming experience anywhere close to what I’ve watched online recently. So in some respects watching these videos has been an interesting alternative as I’ve been entertained, which ultimately is the point of video games. Perhaps there is a deeper philosophical point here that the game developers should reflect upon, as they’ve lost a potential sale. However, that is separate discussion for another day.
I don’t keep up with gaming news as much as I use to but several noteworthy announcement have come to my attention of late. Firstly, there’s an expansion, Songs of the Past, coming for the Witcher III: Wild Hunt in 2027. No doubt this is to pave the way for the Witcher IV. Next, I also found out about Hand of Fate: Horde. I liked this franchise and was saddened to learn that the original studio, Defiant Development, closed. Hence is was a pleasant surprise to see this new game being developed by members of the original studio. The third announcement was regarding Guild Wars 3. A new MMORPG in active development by a major studio is no small feat and is certainly good news for fans of this franchise and the genre per se. However, once you look beyond this news this announcement raises several questions and has certainly given me pause for thought. Let us take a few moments to consider them.
Star Trek Online has many in-game systems that are common to the MMORPG genre. The reputation system is one such example. In STO there are 13 reputation factions. Once a player has reached level 50 they may start progressing through the 6 reputation tiers of each one. Players gain progression through daily projects (20 hours in duration). Hourly projects are also available though they yield less reputation advancement and are limited to three times a day. Hence 20 hour projects are consider by default the most efficient way to gain rep. Projects require 30 Faction Specific Marks (earned via various activities in-game), 15,000 Energy Credits (standard in-game currency) and 2000 Expertise points. The most efficient way to tackle the reputation grind is to build up the necessary resources in advance and then at a designated time each day, start all 13 respective projects. Upon completion projects yield a player bound lockbox containing a random space or ground weapon, a console or Elite Marks which can be used to acquire faction gear.
I was recently perusing my archive of old blog posts, when it struck me how much I’ve written about the MMORPG genre over the years. Naturally, there was far more material from between 2008 and 2012 as that was period when I immersed myself in the genre and was very enthusiastic about it. I was at a point in my life when I had the time to dedicate to such games and I was happy to participate in the social aspect of they offered. I would regularly play through group content and spend time socialising online with fellow guild members. My experience remains a textbook example of how online games can be more than the sum of their parts and that where you are at in your life has a major impact upon your overall enjoyment. As I read though various old posts it became clear that my experiences where specific to this particular part of my life and that they cannot be repeated. My relationship with the genre is very different now and that’s fine.
Creating alts is an integral aspect of the MMORPG genre. Many players will create a character of a specific class or faction, play it for a while, lose interest in it or they may decide that it is just not for them. Fortunately it is no effort at all to simply re-roll a new alt and set off once again. Furthermore, lots of players never reach level cap of the MMORPG that there playing. When the going get’s tough, so to speak, you can either soldier on for another 50 levels or simply create a new alt and return to the comfort of tried and tested content. Alts also give you the chance to secure an accolade or achievement that you previously missed. They are also of great benefit to the genres social aspects. Creating a new alt so you can play along with a friend who is just starting is great fun. Developer’s love them too as it means you’re still playing the game.
I recently took a break from Crimson Desert choosing instead to to play something familiar and easy going. As I’ve been logging into Star Trek Online daily to participate in the anniversary event, I decided to look through my various alts and see how far they had progressed through the game and what resources they had. At present I have twelve alts. My primary Captain was created in 2015 during the original Delta Recruit Event. I had previously played STO intermittently since its release in January 2010 but I never kept any of those characters. Hence this decade old Tactical Federation Captain has been my main focus when playing. The other eleven alts are the result of other recruitment events or whenever I wanted to try something different, such as playing a specific class or faction. I obviously played a lot of STO during the lockdown as several alts date from that period. Several had maximum reputation across all factions.
The action, open world RPG Crimson Desert has been patched five times since it launched on March 19th and there have also been multiple hotfixes. At first glance this isn’t anything unusual. New games have bugs and issues arise once a game is released and played across a much wider variety of hardware than in QA testing. However, if you read the patch notes that accompany these sizeable downloads it quickly becomes apparent that developer’s Pearl Abyss are not just addressing bugs and software glitches. They are actively engaging with their player base and responding to suggestions and requests from that community. Although this is not a unique approach, what is surprising is the speed and quantity in which these player driven changes are happening. There seems to be an active ongoing process to refine the game and eliminate some of its “rough edges” and the players are contributing to this process with their feedback.
According to my Steam statistics, I last played Starfield on 19th December 2023. I bought the game upon its release in September of that year and played in total for 136 hours. Starfield held my interest for three and a half month and I wrote seven blog posts about various aspects of the game. Although there were some engaging aspects to Starfield, I did feel that that the game was somewhat lacking in systems and content, at that point in its lifecycle. I also think that the marketing and player expectations associated with Starfield were overblown and unrealistic. The shadow of Skyrim looms large over all new Bethesda releases and they don’t seem able to quite recapture that magic. Hence, I inevitably drifted away from Starfield and to another game and was effectively “done” with it. I have not played the game since which seems to validate the theory that game are becoming increasingly more ephemeral.
13 days after its release, market analysts estimate that Crimson Desert has already earned $200 million across the four main platforms (PC, PlayStation 5, and Xbox Series X and S). The game is certainly proving popular among gamers with the internet awash with live streams and “let’s play” videos. However, reviews are mixed both among gaming journalists and YouTube influencers. Common complaints about the game include that it is slow to start, the controls are poorly laid out on all platforms and that developer’s Pearl Abyss have done a poor job of explaining most aspects of the game to new players. Although such criticisms are true to a degree, I think these complaints highlight how many gamers are conditioned to expect new titles to follow a specific pattern with regard to pacing, narrative exposition and learning in-game systems. A pattern that Pearl Abyss has chosen to ignore, instead favouring an old school approach.
Early on Crimson Desert, the main quest requires the player to enter a tavern and arm wrestle a particularly strong guard. The arm wrestling match consists of a quick time event. If playing on PC you have to rapidly press the “E” key which turns a power meter from white to red. Then a white dial appears above the meter with a rotating hand. When the hand passes over a segment of the dial that is marked by hatching, the player must press the “R” key. The idea being the meter filling with red is you strength building (or waning) and the “R” key prompt indicates when to try and force your opponent’s arm. You will need to to continuously press the “E” key throughout the arm wrestling match and the “R” key about 4 times to win.
Earlier this week, Nvidia posted a video featuring their latest iteration of DLSS technology (Deep learning super sampling). DLSS 5 is an AI-powered “real-time neural rendering” process and unlike previous versions that focused on improving frame rates through upscaling or frame generation, DLSS 5 uses generative AI to “infuse” frames with photorealistic lighting and material details that the game engine never actually calculated. Let us pause for a moment and consider these words. Material detail that the game engine never actually calculated. Therein lies the rub. If you watch the aforementioned video or peruse the images posted here, it is abundantly clear what the technology does.
Last night, I spent the first 45 minutes after the launch of Crimson Desert, watching the 92GB pre-downloaded game files slowly decompressing and installing. I finally launched the game at about 10:50 PM GMT. I then waited a further 5 minutes while shaders were downloaded. It took me about 15 minutes or so to read through the various game settings and choose those that are optimal for my PC. I suspect even if you have a beast of a computer, you’re still going to have to spend some time tweaking settings. As for those players like myself with a gaming rig that is somewhere in the middle of the game’s specifications, be prepared to do a lot of fine tuning both within Crimson Desert itself and your Windows settings.
I have been aware of the online interest around the open world action game Crimson Desert for a while now. One of the things that has intrigued me about it is the scope of the game. The word “hype” has been bandied about by a few gaming websites. However, from what I have observed, developers Pearl Abyss have not been excessively hyperbolic themselves, with regard to the manner in which the game’s systems and mechanics have been marketed. Now that the press embargo has been lifted, the pre-release reviews seem to confirm that everything we’ve seen in promotional videos in the run up to the launch, is in fact present in the game. So far the initial critical response has been very positive and it has been hinted that the game may well be a genre milestone. Perhaps Crimson Desert is just a rare example of a game that has not had a rushed development and isn’t launching prematurely for business reasons.
Video games as a genre are extremely poor at explaining themselves. When you buy a new game you’ll often find little or no information regarding the basic systems and mechanics. The industry assumes that their customers are by default familiar with the fundamentals of playing a modern video game. Hence if a game has a tutorial, it is often based around videos rather than detailed verbal instructions. You are are briefly shown a clip of a specific move being successfully undertaken but it is seldom shown in a wider context. The industry also expects the fan community to take on the role of curating and disseminating information about its games. The move away from forums and bespoke websites to Discord highlights this. Discord is a primarily a real time communication tool and not good at maintaining a historical data archive. If you want an answer to a specific gaming question, you’ll more than likely find it on YouTube in a video made by a fellow gamer.
I have written in the past about the video games we cannot play. The ones that require a keen understanding of a game’s mechanics, along with a strong degree of manual dexterity and situational awareness. Being 58 years old, I tend to have neither the co-ordination necessary to succeed or the patience to master such complex skill requirements. With this in mind, I recently watched a YouTube video for Chivalry 2 and thought, that looks like fun. The fact that it showed someone picking up a chicken and throwing it at an opponent is neither here nor there. However, after watching a few more videos I realised that combat in the game was complex and that, as usual, the reality of playing such a game would be different from my expectations. Hence, I came very close to not buying Chivalry 2. However, I eventually decided that I would, so I bought it for just under £10 from an online vendor.
I decided to pursue a magic and spellcasting build in the RPG Tainted Grail: The Fall of Avalon after the story prologue. During the opening section of the game, the player is presented with a sufficient range of weapons to determine which type suits them best, although you can change at any time during the game. For me, casting spells feels right and is fun. Plus I have fond memories of the magic system in Two Worlds II and Skyrim. So once I started playing through the first zone, I started putting attribute and skill points into the appropriate trees to bolster my spells strengths and frequency. I also chose gear that would bolster those statistics further. The results have been surprising, as magic and spellcasting is not presented in the usual “glass cannon” style you find in some other RPGs. Here it offers robust DPS output and with the right gear and spell combination, a strong degree of survivability.
I originally bought Warhammer: Dark Omen in the summer of 1998. I played a demo copy via a magazine cover disc, which was a common means of promotion and marketing back then. Although I was at that point, unfamiliar with the Warhammer Universe, I found this game to be an excellent point of entry. The story did an excellent job of introducing players to “The Old World”, the political and power structure and major characters. I instantly liked both the aesthetic and the lore. Warhammer: Dark Omen was also the first real-time tactical wargame that I played and I spent numerous hours playing through the campaign. Overall, the game was a critical success, particularly on PC, but it struggled commercially upon its initial release and didn’t quite find the audience that it deserved. However, it has achieved status as a “cult classic” among gamers, leading to a recent re-release on GOG in late 2025.
According to the recent “letter to the players”, Standing Stone Games will be adding a new zone to the MMORPG The Lord of the Rings Online in the second quarter of this year. Possibly around May or June. Having spent the last three expansions in the South of Middle-earth exploring the tropical Umbar and the deserts of Harad, I would certainly welcome a change of location. I have gradually warmed to these zones over the last eighteen months but I do find them so incongruous. They are so radically different to the European style content that has been the mainstay of the game for so long. Tolkien’s source text has plenty of detail regarding Eriador and Rhovanion. Information regarding Harad is scarce, hence it has afforded the developers a great deal of artistic freedom. Although exceedingly well realised these tropical zones have taken a while for me to get used to.
I’m not sure exactly when it started but I’ve recently noticed a graphical bug within the MMORPG The Lord of the Rings Online. This problem often occurs within caves or in areas where there are a lot of rocky surfaces. Hence it has become very apparent in the latest two expansions, set in Umbar and Harad. This graphical glitch causes some surface textures to appear to flash from light to dark intermittently. The resulting strobe effect is hard to ignore and very distracting. Fortunately, a quick online search showed that this is not a problem unique to my installation of LOTRO and is a known problem. Furthermore, there is a very simple workaround, which is to go into the Advanced Graphics setting and uncheck “Per Pixel Lighting”, which immediately remedies the problem. I have no idea why this has recently started to happen but at least it can be resolved.
This year is the 60th anniversary of Star Trek. The original TV show was first broadcast in the US on September 8th 1966. If you search online you’ll find details of lots of related events. There are documentaries, conventions, new TV shows and even some video games in development. However, what you won’t find are any details regarding what will be happening with the MMORPG Star Trek Online. So far no road map for 2026 has been posted online by the developers but it is still quite early in the New Year. That being the case, I am not especially optimistic about there being any major plans waiting to be revealed. It is not as if DECA Games have demonstrated or stated any major ambitions for STO beyond keeping the endless events treadmill going and regularly adding content to the in-game store, during their development tenure. The ongoing story arc drags on inexorably and is as dull as ditchwater.
I first played The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim in June 2013. This was over 18 months after the game’s initial release and the base game and DLC were bundled together in a “Legendary” edition. Although a seasoned gamer at the time, familiar with the RPG genre with such titles as Mass Effect and Grand Theft Auto IV, I had not played a game from this franchise before. It only took a few hours of gameplay to realise that this was a special title. The scope of the story, the art design and the size of the world were immediately notable. Tamriel was immersive in a way I had not experienced with other titles. Often simply traversing the terrain and watching the dawn break while the game soundtrack swelled, was sufficient to hold my attention. I instantly picked up on the voice acting of Christopher Plummer and Max Von Sydow. All of which indicated that this was a gaming landmark.
The latest expansion for the MMORPG The Lord of the Rings Online, Kingdoms of Harad, launched on December 3rd. With this release the level cap was raised from 150 to 160. It should also be noted that the cap for virtue traits was also raised from 96 to 100. Naturally these changes meant that there is a requirement to replace all armour and jewellery once the new cap is reached. Similarly Legendary Items have to be reforged and any traceries upgraded or replaced. If you follow the Epic Story it will lead you from quest hub to quest hub. The main quest rewards, along with those from side quests will provide adequate gear as you slowly progress towards the new level cap. The new raids, instances and missions/delvings then provide a means to acquire higher quality level 160 gear. LOTRO and indeed, many other MMOs are consistent in this methodology.
It is customary in a post such as this to list the various games that I’ve played over the last twelve months and share my thoughts on them. Wider analysis of the video game industry is also de rigeur. Unfortunately, I don’t really feel disposed to do either of those two things. My thoughts on the games I’ve played have already been published and can easily be accessed via the links at the bottom of this post. As for the video game industry, it suffers the same flaws as music, TV and cinema. There is creativity and innovation out there but it is often drowned out by mainstream products which are demonstrably inferior due to their inherent mediocrity. As for the business side of things, we once again clearly see the failings of the corporate management class. Sadly, they do not face the consequences of the mistakes that they make.
Looking After Your Mental Wellbeing
Very few people had a “good” 2020. I won’t bore you with a list of my personal woes as I’m sure you have plenty of your own. Plus everything is relative. We shouldn’t compare apples with oranges. Like many people, I now find myself fatigued by the ongoing global events and the conspicuous absence of normality. I like to consider myself quite a robust person. I have endured difficult times in the past and have come through them by remaining calm and focused. However, the nebulous and seemingly never ending nature of the global pandemic is extremely wearing. Let it suffice to say that I feel singularly unmotivated at present. Writing, which is usually a great pleasure, is currently a chore. I am also troubled by something that I personally find most unusual. A sense of sadness. And it doesn’t seem to want to go away.
Very few people had a “good” 2020. I won’t bore you with a list of my personal woes as I’m sure you have plenty of your own. Plus everything is relative. We shouldn’t compare apples with oranges. Like many people, I now find myself fatigued by the ongoing global events and the conspicuous absence of normality. I like to consider myself quite a robust person. I have endured difficult times in the past and have come through them by remaining calm and focused. However, the nebulous and seemingly never ending nature of the global pandemic is extremely wearing. Let it suffice to say that I feel singularly unmotivated at present. Writing, which is usually a great pleasure, is currently a chore. I am also troubled by something that I personally find most unusual. A sense of sadness. And it doesn’t seem to want to go away.
I recently wrote about plans for the New Year and mentioned a personal weight loss and fitness regime. I think I will now add to that a mental health element to try and maintain calm and stable demeanour. Looking after your mental health shouldn’t be a last minute consideration, only to be worried about when things go wrong. It should be treated the same as our physical health and given as much consideration. So I’ve done a little reading online to see if I can find some simple tips to improve my mental wellbeing. There’s plenty of information out there but it’s also a field rife with quackery. Luckily the UK NHS has some practical and straightforward advice. Essentially these are reframe unhelpful thoughts, be in the present, sleep well, connect with others and try to live a physically healthy lifestyle. Sound advice although it may not be as easy to implement it all.
I certainly will extol the merit of reframing unhelpful thoughts. Once you become aware of how you react in specific situations (which may be in a negative way), you can change such behaviour. Cognitive behavioural therapy is simple in principle but it can be life changing. Being in the moment is also a liberating state of mind. I tend not to look any further than the month ahead at present and focus on what is at hand, rather than worry about issues that haven’t yet become a direct problem. Sleep is an issue for me at present. My smart band collates data on the quality of my sleep and it’s not as good as it could be. Essentially my problem is one of relaxation. My mind is often still actively engaged when I should be sleeping. So I’ve been trying to find a way to mentally drop down a gear in the late evening.
“Seek and you will find” as the expression goes. Last night I was idly channel surfing when I stumbled across The Joy of Painting on BBC iPlayer. It’s been a while since I watched this show, yet within minutes the calming tones of Bob Ross and his gentle wordplay (“happy trees”) had defused my tension and replaced it with a sense of composure. This morning I felt that I had enjoyed a better night’s sleep. So I think the key in the future is to try and avoid an excess of “stimulus” after a certain time. I certainly think having a cut off point for social media or watching the news may be beneficial. I’m not advocating going cold turkey and shutting oneself off from the world. But I do think there comes a point in the day where it’s best to put some things back in their respective box and keep others at arm’s length.
I’d be very interested to hear from readers who have their own equivalent to watching Bob Ross as well as whatever methods they use to maintain a healthy state of mind. We are fortunate that we live at a time where talking about one’s mental wellbeing is no longer so difficult. The old school stiff upper lip mindset has been debunked as it often results in emotionally broken people. I hope I can find my sense of mental equilibrium again and see a return of my usual levels of motivation. And let us not forget to share a kind word with those we interact with both online and in day to day life. In these difficult times it is important to be aware that not everyone has the same support networks. Also not everyone will be coping the same and some folk still tend to put on a brave public face. Kenneth Williams said it the best. “Drowning, not waving”. So let us not add to each other’s problems.
Being a 58 year old man, I welcome any undertaking which can potentially improve my health. One such thing is proactive screening and testing. The UK National Health Service has started doing a lot more of this in recent years, mainly because diagnosing a problem and treating it early is far more efficient and cost effective than retroactive action. Hence this policy and my age is why I was recently sent a NHS Bowel Cancer Test Kit via the post. This screening service takes place every two years for people aged 50 to 74 in the UK. The kit is very quick and simple to use. A sample of your stool is sent via a prepaid return envelope for testing and the entire process is free of charge. Upon receipt, the laboratory test determines whether there is any blood present in your stool, which is a potential indicator of bowel cancer. If detected, an early diagnosis greatly improves any subsequent treatment outcomes.
Last Wednesday, I woke up with what I thought to be a crick in my neck on the left hand side. I assumed this was simply due to sleeping awkwardly and so I self medicated with some non-prescription pain relief and judicious use of a heat pad. Unfortunately, the problem has persisted and in the last 24 hours it has become much worse. I awoke this morning at about 5:00 AM and as I sat up in bed, an intense pain ran up the left side of my neck and behind my ear. It took several attempts for me to get out of bed because if I turned my head in either direction or inclined my chin, the pain would again run up the side of my neck. Sitting down, getting up and raising my arms caused similar results. While dressing, I attempted to pull a t-shirt over my head. The pain in my neck on this occasion was so severe that I yelled out loud and nearly blacked out.
This morning I had an appointment at the Cardiology Outpatients clinic at St. Thomas’ Hospital, in Southwark, London. The hospital, located across the Thames from the Houses of Parliament, is easily accessible from three nearby tube stations (subway), one major train station and numerous buses. As well as having an extensive A&E department, St. Thomas’ also provides a broad range of healthcare services such as maternal medicine, gastrointestinal surgery, ophthalmology, pain medicine and plastic surgery. The hospital specialises in cardiovascular care and was the first to perform a mitral valve replacement on a beating heart. It is also home to nursing and surgical colleges. The current site has served community needs since 1871. The hospital has existed in some shape or form since the 12th century. There is a pleasant ornamental garden outside the main entrance that overlooks the river and Lambeth bridge.
Accidents will happen, as Elvis Costello astutely pointed out. Furthermore they often occur in the most innocuous of fashions, as I shall now tell. Myself and Mrs P were over our local park today with our two and a half year old grandson Oscar. It is located directly behind our home and has a small children’s play area as well as various adult exercise equipment. One of these items is a low, wooden ramp whose highest end is no more than eighteen inches off the ground. Oscar likes to climb on this, run to the end and jump. Naturally, he did this today when we visited. Mrs P then followed suit (at his request) and stepped off onto the soft, child safe surface. Her right knee gave way and she fell over. Despite the short distance and the soft surface, the fall was sufficient to injure her knee, as there was an audible crack. She subsequently could not get up on her own and I had to assist her so she could sit on the aforementioned ramp.
I weighed myself this morning before writing this post. As of 6:05 AM today I weigh 188 lbs (13 stone 6 lbs or 85.3 kg). To give this data some sort of context I am 5’11 tall and 54 years old. Prior to my more recent weight gain, I have had an athletic build for most of my life. During my twenties and thirties, while I was still a smoker, my weight stayed around 133 lbs. When I quit my 30 a day cigarette habit I gained about 14 lbs or so over the following months and then stayed at that weight for a further decade. Even with the onset of middle age my weight has not been excessive and my build has accommodated any gain quite well. It has only been over the last 5 years that it has increased to a level that I consider to be neither flattering or healthy. This was brought home to me a few days ago when I saw my reflection in a mirror while on holiday. The incident has given me pause for thought and galvanised me to take action.
Very few people had a “good” 2020. I won’t bore you with a list of my personal woes as I’m sure you have plenty of your own. Plus everything is relative. We shouldn’t compare apples with oranges. Like many people, I now find myself fatigued by the ongoing global events and the conspicuous absence of normality. I like to consider myself quite a robust person. I have endured difficult times in the past and have come through them by remaining calm and focused. However, the nebulous and seemingly never ending nature of the global pandemic is extremely wearing. Let it suffice to say that I feel singularly unmotivated at present. Writing, which is usually a great pleasure, is currently a chore. I am also troubled by something that I personally find most unusual. A sense of sadness. And it doesn’t seem to want to go away.
To begin with, I am not claiming to be living with “chronic” pain in this blog post. I am fully aware of the definition of the term and am fortunate that my current injury does not force me to endure such levels of discomfort. However, my recent experience has provided me with a new insight into something that most of us only notionally know about and have little or no true understanding. I believe I appreciate my Mother’s daily circumstances a lot better now (as well as several friends and colleagues who also live with chronic pain) and finally understand how debilitating both physically and mentally living in constant and acute pain can be. Hence I decided to write this piece. To share my experience with an injury that continuously hurts and to help inform others about the realities of living with chronic pain. Sometimes you need to experience something first hand to fully get the measure of it.
It’s hard to write about ones own personal health issues and how one addresses them without coming across as smug, sanctimonious or oblivious to the fact that it’s all relative. I wrote back in early March about how I was going to try and get my “house in order” by losing weight and also undertaking the NHS Health Check. A six weeks on and progress is being made. However, I would just like to re-iterate that what has proven to work for me, may not do so for others. We all have our own unique relationship with our own health and therefore there is a need to find ways that work for us as individuals. Therefore my dietary regime which seems some what easy to me, may prove to be far too draconian for others. Similarly my exercise targets are also suited to my temperament and limitations. But I hope that by sharing my progress I can at least provide some encouragement to others.
Personal health as a concept, refers to your overall well-being both physically and mentally. It is about taking charge of your health by making a conscious decision to improve and maintain it. It not only refers to your physical state but the respective wellness of the emotional, intellectual and even spiritual aspects of your life. Sadly it is something that many of us are not very good at dealing with or choose to ignore. All too often good intentions get sidelined by the realities of life. Sadly, physical and mental issues are usually only addressed after something bad has occurred. Furthermore, much of the most basic and practical information needed to improve our personal health is drowned out by the white noise of fads, quackery and those seeking to sell you a “solution”.
Today I visited Emmetts Garden in Sevenoaks. The Edwardian estate located at Ide Hill and is now owned by the National Trust for Places of Historic Interest or Natural Beauty. The garden, which covers an area of about six acres, is situated on a 600-foot sandstone ridge, overlooking the Weald. It is one of the highest points in Kent, offering an expansive view of the North Downs. The garden was laid out in the late 19th century and was influenced by William Robinson. It contains many exotic rare trees and shrubs from across the world. You can explore the rose and rock gardens, take in the views as well as enjoy flowers and shrubs in spring. In autumn visitors can enjoy the vibrant colours brought about by the changing of the season. The main attraction at this time of year are the Bluebells.
Gaming and personal health at first glance appear to be mutually exclusive subjects. News coverage about these issues more often than not implies that gaming is detrimental to both ones physical and mental well-being. Apart from titles that utilise motion sensing devices such as the Kinnect and require the player to physically move, gaming is a sedentary pastime. Combine that with a society that has an already broken relationship with food and their own personal health in general and there is scope for a wealth of medical problems.
When I was a child, I quickly learned never to say within earshot of my parents that I was bored. It was quickly met with a response along the lines of “an intelligent mind is never bored” or more worryingly “if you’ve got nothing to do, I’ll find you something” which meant a chore or Herculean task. Being a child of the seventies and due to my parents fundamentalist approach to declarations of boredom, I quickly discovered numerous ways to occupy myself. The default solution was a book or comic. I always liked reading as a child and had plenty of books to choose from. I also had numerous of comics as an alternative to a hefty tome. I would also draw and paint. My father use to work during the summer holidays as a design draftsman and as a result, we always had plenty of paper in our house. Then of course there were toys and such like. Hence I learned the art of keeping myself busy.